Babies

I have to blog it out. I just have to. I am so happy for all the prego mommies out there. My two best friends are pregnant and a few of my blog friends are pregnant out there in blog-land as well.
I've never really had an issue with becoming pregnant. Nor am I known to be fertile myrtle though either. But I have been pregnant 4 times and out of those 4 pregnancies, I have been blessed with Hannah my two year old little girl. Being pregnant with her was awesome but yet so difficult and so emotional for me. I was told 3 different times that I was in the process of losing her. From week 8 or 9 I began to cramp and bleed with her and never stopped. I was placed on bed rest in the beginning of month 2 and never was allowed up. I ended up with a skin/hormone issue called PUPPS which is basically due to my sensitivity to hormones (which is why I can't take birth control, it makes me super sick). It's where I had a head to toe rash that itched every day and night. Nothing could be prescribed. Nothing stopped the itching. I washed my bedding every day. My clothes got changed three or more times a day. It was awful. Oh and although most people would complain, I developed gestational diabetes. I don't complain because I only gained 25 pounds during my pregnancy and I credit it to the wonderful diabetes diet. At the end of the pregnancy, Hannah ran out of amniotic fluid and they had to induce me which was awesome. Because I was in labor for a total of 2 hours and 15 minutes and pushed twice and Hannah was out. I chose not to do pain meds but then again wasn't in labor long enough to really decide if I needed them.
It really was awesome and a blessing to be pregnant with her. Even more so, to have a healthy baby girl with us. My other 3 pregnancies, I hurt to say, didn't turn out to successful. I have lost every baby at week 11. And I have yet to get any answers. I have done the tests and done the research and nothing. Even my doctor's are stumped.
Why am I telling total strangers my story? Because I have found out that I again am pregnant. As joyous as it should be and as excited as I should be, I'm not. I'm terrified and worried that this will only end in another miscarriage. I'm not even telling my friends. Because I don't want to deal with telling them I miscarried again. I hate the tears and the sympathy and the worries that go on forever. I'm a silent griever. I don't stop smiling and I don't cry in front of people. I cry at home under my blankets. That and I've come to trust some of you out there and know that if the worst of the worst happens, you'd say a prayer and be sad but you'd also give me the space. It is after all, the internet, and space is imminent haha.
With that all being said, I get to tell my hubby tonight when he gets home from work. I've notified the doctor who is possibly going to transfer me to a high risk OB in Kalispell. And I will now resort to praying every 5 minutes.
I hope everyone else's day is going great and exciting. I think the toilet is calling me now and I shall talk to everyone later!! Have a great day!

*Beckie*