Friday, February 6, 2009

God, Are You There? It Isn't Margaret This Time...

Have you guys read that book? I had the chance back in elementary school and never did, ha ha. But I probably will never stroll through a library without seeing it and will never forget it's title.
I've been having a bit of a guilt session with myself lately. I'm not a Bible thumping Christian. I do take my Bible with me everywhere I go as it is my "security blanket" but since moving here to Harvey, we haven't found a church because it seems (No offense to any Catholics out there) that this is where you all herd to for church. There are about 3 Catholic churches here I swear!! But no decent Christian churches. My husband is non-denominational. I, on the other hand consider myself to be a Messianic Jew. It sounds odd and complicated and still is to me but I'm learning. I am 100% Jewish as I came right out of my mother who too is Jewish. Heck, we had family who was murdered and too who escaped from that dreadful "Hail Hitler!" era. It doesn't mean I'm more Jewish than others, it just took me a while of my life to realize that I should be proud to be instead of hiding. So I raise my children to be both religions and found it is possible to do so! Until we come to that dreaded circumcision topic which my husband and I do not talk about! At least yet...We still have another 8 weeks until finding out what baby is, boy or girl and if boy..Well, we welcome THAT tornado of chaos, ha ha.
ANYWAYS....God has performed yet another miracle in my life. He has blessed me with another baby and I am just realizing it and starting to enjoy the fact that I am pregnant. beforehand, I didn't want to get my hopes up in fear of losing this baby too like the last 3. I'm 12 weeks and 1 day along. Past the danger part. I am...Euphoric to say the least. We saw the ultrasound a few days ago and I cried the whole time. I saw a beautiful little baby kicking the crap out of that ultrasound tool. It was waving it's arms around like crazy and even swimming! It had a fantastic heartbeat and just was the most beautiful sight to ever see. Now I'm relieved, enjoying heartburn and the nausea that untreated heartburn can cause and hoping that I gain a pound or two soon. (I love big bellies!) I am a steady 165 and haven't changed since before I was preggo. I do have a decent pooch now though and enjoy fondling my belly ha ha. As perverted as I try for that NOT to sound.
But I feel guilty because before this I was praying daily, begging for mercy and safety and a miracle and now that I have had my prayer answered, I have stopped praying so diligently. So I bought a few devotionals and will be doing those and trying to read my Bible more and hoping that we find a church soon. I need that badly. Just that support system you know?
This is the day to blabber I suppose as that seems to be what I am doing. Making up for lost time, ha ha. We are expecting our tax return any day now. I get to get a new camera. I can begin documenting my baby belly soon and update my photos on myspace, ha ha. Ooh let's not get started on my addiction to that one...
I miss my mom. It sound childish but I do. She with her wife (Yes, *sigh* wife. My family is FAR from normal as you will come to realize...) and my sister's baby are living down in California. I guess I should stop here and explain some things and hope you don't abandon me as it seems when people learn of my family background, it becomes too much for them. My mom has just me and my sister Stephanie from two different marriages. My sister who i have zero contact with is 4 years younger than I. She is a professional meth head slash drug dealer slash wife and wanna be mother. Her husband and her decided being parents was too difficult for them so they dumped their three day old baby off with my mother and Teri.
Ok now let's back up so I can explain about Teri. Teri is my step-mother and I claim her every step of the way. The saying of "A mother isn't who birthed you but who raised you and took care of you and loved you" is true to every extent. Teri came into the picture when I was in the 4th grade and I hated her from day one. She had two daughters of her own and we fought every day. I flunked school, became as rebellious as I could and fought with Teri and made her and my mother fight all the time. I. Was. A. Horrible. Child. My mother will tell you how she wanted to tear out her hair and run away from me, it was that bad. Teri took me out one day and told me that she was not leaving no matter how difficult I became and that if I pushed too hard, I would be the one to leave. She told me how she loved me and nothing I could do would ever change that and she left it at that. I had a change of heart, apologized and had a lot to make up for and eventually did. By the time I moved in with my dad, I was on a great road with Teri. Just couldn't deal with my mother, ha ha. I love her to death but she and I in a room for too long. We don't get along at all. We're too much alike that we can't deal with each other too much. I've shortened my history down a lot for your sake's. But Teri did a lot during my childhood and was the one who dealt with me and my sister for the most part. Mom went out and did the job thing and was gone a lot. It's hard to be in my position and to believe that some things aren't right and yet love someone who is doing it so much. Teri has been in my life for the past....Crap, I think they are going on 15 or 16 years now? And just the fact that we survived my teenage years is a big thing. But I love her and think of her as my step-mother and it won't change. I have very little family so I treasure what I have *shrugs*
I don't know why I rambled my family history off to you. I guess to explain things better. I'm trying to figure out a time to go see them all and hopefully it will work out for April as I miss my mom terribly and haven't seen her in two years! She and Teri are raising my sister's now 5 month old baby girl, Victoria and doing the daily grind. So I want to meet my neice as well. I'm scared to death of having two kids and of how complicated it all is going to get. Doing trips via an airplane with Hannah is a handful in itself but to add another kid to that? Hence why we do this trip now, haha.
I am terribly bored right now. We're waiting on whether Abel gets to start this new job or not. He's made it past everything and done well so we're hoping nothing pops up unexpectedly and causes him to not get this job. Abel filed for unemployment as he had been laid off back in November and then quit a week before we left in december and is now unemployed. Well his ex-boss told unemployment that Abel never was laid off and quit back in November. Lied to them!! So now Abel has to either deal with not getting a few measly checks or do a stupid hearing and fight it. I'm good friends with this guy's daughter so I can't say anything too dangerous but this guy has been a total butthole (to say the least) for as long as Abel has worked for him! Abel had a log roll onto his foot and up his ankle and he couldn't walk or fit his foot into his workboot and his boss told him that if Abel used the workman's comp he would go broke and how he couldn't afford Abel to go to the ER and he'd get him a barce and let that be. But yet he chewed Abel out because Abel couldn't walk the next day and called in for a sick day! Told Abel he was milking it!! I got pissed off and literally dragged my husband in to the ER to find out Abel had fluid in his ankle and sprained it badly and they were sure he had a hairline fracture as well. I saw his boss a few days later and heard him chew out Abel for going in and using the workman's comp. and I spoke up and told him thanks for almost making my husband a cripple and putting us MORE into the poorhouse because had we waited any longer, Abel's foot would have been useless for at least a few weeks and we would have had to pay for it ourselves. As it was we were taking loans out so we could have food on our table every other day! Top Ramen was our great friend let me tell you what....I'm just pissed because the stories get worse. And this guy told Abel how valued and important he was and once Abel told him he had a better job and needed to do bette for his family, this guy gets a blister up his butt and starts trying to make Abel's life difficult? he found out we were applying to food stamps once and gave Abel a dollar raise, just enough to unqualify us from the help. Then he told Abel we didn't need it and how he hates anyone on welfare. I was like ok, let's be poor and starve, so you can be happy that one more family was unable to be on it, you jerkoff....
It feels good to vent but I'm so sorry this useless stuff is being posted. Lots has been going on and no time to write it down, it all builds up and comes out like this, ha ha.
Anyways, I hope everyone else has been doing well. Big congrats to miss Sassy Pants for her pregnancy! Another baby on it's way yaaay!! And of course I'm excited for miss Stephanie for moving closer to me! We were 8 hours apart before I moved away and now we'll be 8 hours apart again, haha. So anyways, I have 4 loads of laundry to fold and put away and a 2 year old to force to take a nap and I'm starving so in other words, I'm jetting off now. I'll write again later when something more interesting happens. Much love to you all!!

*Beckie*

3 comments:

Justine said...

Well, it sounds like you're doing pretty damn good, even though some of the circumstances aren't so great right now. Not having money, Abel not sure if he's getting the job or not, missing your mom and Teri, etc.

I don't find anything weird about your family life. Most of us have something "off" within our families. And there's nothing "off" about your mom and Teri. To me, it's completely natural. Love is love and all that.

As for your sister, she sounds like a complete loser, and I'm so glad that she did give her baby to your mom and Teri.

Justine :o )

Jill said...

YEAH!! you got to see the baby kicking! Isn't that exciting! There is nothing strange about your life! We all have our issues with our families!

Traceytreasure said...

What a post!
I'm so glad that the ultrasound went well. If you see Stephanie, you'll have to give her a hug from me!!
Hugs for you too!