Sunday, November 22, 2009
Giveaway For Baby Boys :)
Our Inspired Moments is having a giveaway for a beautiful pair of booties and matching hat and you should rush over there and sign up if you have a baby boy :) I know I do and I will be there ;)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It Happens
When something bad comes around my way, this is always my reply when people ask or talk about it. It happens. Whatever it is, it happens. We can't walk around life and think "It just won't happen to me." We can but we will be completely wrong. Always.
So as I sit here thinking about my father, in the crack of dawn, or actually a few hours before...A part of me is still going hey, it won't happen. Someday but no where near now. WRONG!
We ventured to Bismarck yesterday to go see dad's doctor at the Heart and Lung clinic. We had to get him out of the hospital for the day to do this mind you. This is his fourth week in the hospital. So he was thankful and glad for the trip. It meant one day he could have a break. Which he did. He got to eat at McDonald's (Yes doctor, he only ate a grilled chicken salad and a diet sprite) and he got to hang out with his grandson all day which was what he enjoyed the most.
The news we received at the clinic wasn't good news though. Q: Why isn't dad getting better and keeps slowly declining? A: Because when he caught the flu it was the swine flu, and on top of that he had double pneumonia. That takes a few weeks to get over for a healthy person, for dad it will be much longer. His lungs however are slowly failing him and giving out. His heart as well. It's already having to beat hard because of the breathing but now that he has been diagnosed as having heart failure, one side beats twice as hard and fast to make up for the other side. One of them is going to give out soon and it's slowly coming to that point.
I was watching dad yesterday as we were sitting in the office and sitting in his wheelchair, I noticed that he looked liek an old man and started wondering, when teh heck did that happen? My dad is going to be 69 here in a few days. I know he's older than all of my friend's dads. I know he's older than a lot of people but his age never stopped him from doing anything. Until now. And that's the hardest part. How do you stand by and let someone get old?
So now I don't know. I hate to jump to the conclusion and say he's dying because I still don't feel like he is. I think this is just a really big and really hard bump in the road. I know things are failing but that doesn't mean he's dying. I hate HATE that word by the way. I don't want to think that and get myself in a stressed out anxiety ridden tizzy for nothing. But then again, I don't want to be caught off guard. So I don't know. I really don't know why I am posting this. Maybe because it is part of me opening up and not hiding anything. I've grown close to you all. And I'm not looking for pity but maybe a few prayers?
It's hard to sit there and watch someone struggle for a simple breath. Or to wish that despite the struggle and pain and suffering that God spare you a few more years with them because you want to be selfish and not have them leave just yet. Or to try not to cry over nothing even though it can be something? I think the hardest part of it is thinking of my kids. Which is where my dam bursts every time :) I grew up with no grandparents. I don't want my kids growing up with no grandparents. To have to stand by and know that they are going to be around so many kids who talk non-stop about grandparents when mine don't have theirs. Or when Grandparents day comes by, they'll stand there going, okaaay now what? My dad is the only one who does things for them and with them, who spends the time with them, who cares. Abel's family must think that they have so many so it's okay if one or two get forgotten. And we're the lucky ones who get to conveniently wait on the sides. We don't get birthday cards or gifts, or holiday cards but yet I get a nagging phone call if I forget a picture. My mom sent Hannah her first birthday gift this year. A month and a half late but I'm just thankful she got something. So when my dad is gone, what then you know?
So Thanksgiving this year will be small and eaten in a hospital room. My idea and even with dad complaining and telling us no, I'm not giving in. I have told the nurses to screw their whole "No minors under the age of 16" BS rule. I have respect for nurses but not when it comes to this. And yes, when I hear of the slightest thing going wrong, I freak out on them now. Because I don't want them ignoring my father or treating him like any other patient. And that bitch who was working the ER when they turned him away and sent him home WILL be seeing my gorgeous face in a few days because had she admitted my father like they were supposed to instead of turning him away and sending hm home with no medication, this wouldn't be happening right now. Pardon my french there.
I know everyone is complaining about Christmas decorations and ads appearing so early. I ran into people in WalMart yesterday with that attitude. Me? I'm brutally honest here. I don't care for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful everyday of the year so to set aside one day of the year to be thankful is crap. Just like Valentine's Day. Crap holiday too. But I'll vent about that one when it comes. Thanksgiving is just a day to eat Turkey. I'm glad the Pilgrims came here and all that so yes I still celebrate it. But it's boring. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. I'm on a truthful binge here. This year though, I want one more Christmas with dad. So I'm yanking out our lights today because the husband is going to have them up before dad gets home. Dad has never put lights up on this house and has always wanted to so we're doing it for him and by gum, he will see the house lit up whether it be a week before Thanksgiving or not. Like I put up on Facebook. I'm decorating early, don't nag at me if you don't like it because it may be our last with my dad. Thanksgiving isn't important to him so we're skipping that halfway.
Anyways, I'm leaving it here. My stomach is upset with stress so I'm going to go lay down and watch Spongebob. By the way. If you smoke and I find out about it, you will have a nag on you until you quit. This is why my father is like this. COPD people! Emphysema! People know what happens and yet they smoke away not caring. Dad can't stand up without struggling to breath. He can't walk 2 feet to a chair without needing a nebulizer treatment. If that sounds fun, keep puffing on that death stick. Literally death stick. It's an ugly and nasty habit anyways. Abel smokes and let's just say all excitement for him has now ceased. I will not be doing this twice in my life. And I will use whatever means I can to "encourage" him to quit. *smirk*
Anyways, I didn't put this up to seek pity, I don't deal well with it anyways. I just wanted to let you know that a road traveled often on has developed a pot hole and I don't know how big this hole will get yet or if it will be patched up for now. But if I don't blog often in the next month or two, don't worry, I will at least be reading your blogs, I just will be sucking in as much time as I can. And maybe, we are all wrong. Maybe this time next year I'll be writing a blog venting on how dad wants to BBQ the turkey instead of baking it and how that frustrates me, haha. :) I hope...So a very early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you all have a fabulous time with family and friends and eat some nice juicy not burnt turkey :D
*Beckie*
So as I sit here thinking about my father, in the crack of dawn, or actually a few hours before...A part of me is still going hey, it won't happen. Someday but no where near now. WRONG!
We ventured to Bismarck yesterday to go see dad's doctor at the Heart and Lung clinic. We had to get him out of the hospital for the day to do this mind you. This is his fourth week in the hospital. So he was thankful and glad for the trip. It meant one day he could have a break. Which he did. He got to eat at McDonald's (Yes doctor, he only ate a grilled chicken salad and a diet sprite) and he got to hang out with his grandson all day which was what he enjoyed the most.
The news we received at the clinic wasn't good news though. Q: Why isn't dad getting better and keeps slowly declining? A: Because when he caught the flu it was the swine flu, and on top of that he had double pneumonia. That takes a few weeks to get over for a healthy person, for dad it will be much longer. His lungs however are slowly failing him and giving out. His heart as well. It's already having to beat hard because of the breathing but now that he has been diagnosed as having heart failure, one side beats twice as hard and fast to make up for the other side. One of them is going to give out soon and it's slowly coming to that point.
I was watching dad yesterday as we were sitting in the office and sitting in his wheelchair, I noticed that he looked liek an old man and started wondering, when teh heck did that happen? My dad is going to be 69 here in a few days. I know he's older than all of my friend's dads. I know he's older than a lot of people but his age never stopped him from doing anything. Until now. And that's the hardest part. How do you stand by and let someone get old?
So now I don't know. I hate to jump to the conclusion and say he's dying because I still don't feel like he is. I think this is just a really big and really hard bump in the road. I know things are failing but that doesn't mean he's dying. I hate HATE that word by the way. I don't want to think that and get myself in a stressed out anxiety ridden tizzy for nothing. But then again, I don't want to be caught off guard. So I don't know. I really don't know why I am posting this. Maybe because it is part of me opening up and not hiding anything. I've grown close to you all. And I'm not looking for pity but maybe a few prayers?
It's hard to sit there and watch someone struggle for a simple breath. Or to wish that despite the struggle and pain and suffering that God spare you a few more years with them because you want to be selfish and not have them leave just yet. Or to try not to cry over nothing even though it can be something? I think the hardest part of it is thinking of my kids. Which is where my dam bursts every time :) I grew up with no grandparents. I don't want my kids growing up with no grandparents. To have to stand by and know that they are going to be around so many kids who talk non-stop about grandparents when mine don't have theirs. Or when Grandparents day comes by, they'll stand there going, okaaay now what? My dad is the only one who does things for them and with them, who spends the time with them, who cares. Abel's family must think that they have so many so it's okay if one or two get forgotten. And we're the lucky ones who get to conveniently wait on the sides. We don't get birthday cards or gifts, or holiday cards but yet I get a nagging phone call if I forget a picture. My mom sent Hannah her first birthday gift this year. A month and a half late but I'm just thankful she got something. So when my dad is gone, what then you know?
So Thanksgiving this year will be small and eaten in a hospital room. My idea and even with dad complaining and telling us no, I'm not giving in. I have told the nurses to screw their whole "No minors under the age of 16" BS rule. I have respect for nurses but not when it comes to this. And yes, when I hear of the slightest thing going wrong, I freak out on them now. Because I don't want them ignoring my father or treating him like any other patient. And that bitch who was working the ER when they turned him away and sent him home WILL be seeing my gorgeous face in a few days because had she admitted my father like they were supposed to instead of turning him away and sending hm home with no medication, this wouldn't be happening right now. Pardon my french there.
I know everyone is complaining about Christmas decorations and ads appearing so early. I ran into people in WalMart yesterday with that attitude. Me? I'm brutally honest here. I don't care for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful everyday of the year so to set aside one day of the year to be thankful is crap. Just like Valentine's Day. Crap holiday too. But I'll vent about that one when it comes. Thanksgiving is just a day to eat Turkey. I'm glad the Pilgrims came here and all that so yes I still celebrate it. But it's boring. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. I'm on a truthful binge here. This year though, I want one more Christmas with dad. So I'm yanking out our lights today because the husband is going to have them up before dad gets home. Dad has never put lights up on this house and has always wanted to so we're doing it for him and by gum, he will see the house lit up whether it be a week before Thanksgiving or not. Like I put up on Facebook. I'm decorating early, don't nag at me if you don't like it because it may be our last with my dad. Thanksgiving isn't important to him so we're skipping that halfway.
Anyways, I'm leaving it here. My stomach is upset with stress so I'm going to go lay down and watch Spongebob. By the way. If you smoke and I find out about it, you will have a nag on you until you quit. This is why my father is like this. COPD people! Emphysema! People know what happens and yet they smoke away not caring. Dad can't stand up without struggling to breath. He can't walk 2 feet to a chair without needing a nebulizer treatment. If that sounds fun, keep puffing on that death stick. Literally death stick. It's an ugly and nasty habit anyways. Abel smokes and let's just say all excitement for him has now ceased. I will not be doing this twice in my life. And I will use whatever means I can to "encourage" him to quit. *smirk*
Anyways, I didn't put this up to seek pity, I don't deal well with it anyways. I just wanted to let you know that a road traveled often on has developed a pot hole and I don't know how big this hole will get yet or if it will be patched up for now. But if I don't blog often in the next month or two, don't worry, I will at least be reading your blogs, I just will be sucking in as much time as I can. And maybe, we are all wrong. Maybe this time next year I'll be writing a blog venting on how dad wants to BBQ the turkey instead of baking it and how that frustrates me, haha. :) I hope...So a very early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you all have a fabulous time with family and friends and eat some nice juicy not burnt turkey :D
*Beckie*
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday Fragments
Well, well, dear followers and random readers from afar, it is Friday and you knwo what that means! FRIDAY FRAGMENTS!! And of course, I only link up the best so go visit Mrs. 4444! AFTER you read my fragments that is ;)
*So I woke up with a sore throat today. Figures...I'm going to be guzzling down some Emergen-C today that's for sure!
*We have experianced a friend pasing away last night. Abel worked with him on teh railroad and is still in shock about it. A mid-40s man who just lost his wife two years prior to cancer, raising 3 or 4 boys who only one has graduated from high school. These kids are on my mind and it hurts to think of them. Life sometimes seems cruel but we all have to understand that Christian or not, hard times or easy, there is ALWAYS a reason.
*We're adopting and I get word in a few days about my adoptee!! I'm totally pumped!! Oh wait a second, I'm sorry, we've adopted a soldier! LoL. Puh-lease? Another child in my house right now?? HAH! I think it's an awesome way of supporting our soldiers. That and they need goodies over there and why not spoil someone who is fighting for me? I encourage everyone to sign on! Uncle Sam wants YOU!!
*I'm on post 76 today. I am going to create a surprise for all my beautiful and wonderful followers for my 100th :) I don't have a thousand followers but it sure makes me feel good about the ones who are following me. Not everyone hangs around my blabbering nonsense for this long, haha.
*My daughter and my son are so fun to watch. Ater Ignacio's morning feeding I lay him on the floor on his blanket. Hannah has to have the same thing and they end up laying together. And then Hannah gets goofy and starts making Ignacio laugh (Or what we call his laugh) and they are just so comical together. I can see so much love flowing from them both and it touches my heart. Hannah will tell you, Ignacio is her best friend. Talk about awww! Think it'll survive the teenage years?? LoL!
*Ugh. So memo to self: Last night's dinner left in the microwave overnight does not, I repeat, does not do this house a favor when door is opened! And no amount of candles and Febreeze will take that smell away. LoL.
*Stress reiever: Playdoh in a ziplock baggy with all air removed. Cheap and easy.
Thanks Mrs.4444 for letting me hop on again and thank you readers for reading my quick bit of nonsense! Until next time....
Thursday, November 12, 2009
This Could Be A Long, & Very Personal One....
Sometimes I feel I could sit down and write a novel. I have this desire to do one and I get so many ideas. Do you ever just stand around doing dishes and literally write two chapters of a book in your head but then as you sit down to jot it all down it disappears? So at least I keep myself entertained, LoL.
Well this is where this blog came from. I wake up at 5 or 6 every morning. And I do up a few dishes in the sink from after dinner and such. That is my quiet time. Hannah is watching morning cartoons, Ignacio has been fed and is sleeping and I? Get to wash dishes and tidy up the kitchen and get lost in my thoughts. And that's what I did, I got lost and ended up writing my blog in my head. And then I just knew that while I didn't want to rush out this blog, that it may need a few days to write out and worked on to fully get everything right, I wanted to get it out while it is still fresh.
My thoughts this morning are of Amity. If you haven't found her yet or read her blog, you absolutely need to. She is an amazing person with hilarious blogs and an amazing ability to write but she did something for me yesterday that has probably changed a lot for me. The blog I have linked to her is the one where she explains about her gift. And what a gift it is. She gave away a few readings and I was lucky and blessed to receive one. I admit, I didn't really know or understand exactly what it was or what went on but when she called me she talked me through it and explained it all to me and I felt good about it. Let me stop here that while they are psychics out there, Amity is not one of them. They dabble in things that are dark and I do not believe, from God. Amity's gift is from God. The things Amity told me were from God for he was the only one to know such things. It's very emotional because what she told me was so personal, no one but myself knew, not even my husband and people who have known me for the past 20 years, don't even know me as well as Amity did yesterday. So when you read her blog and read what I have to share, have an open mind and heart and don't push it away because if you do, I'm not sure you need to be reading this.
I hope I can write this as well as it comes to me in my head :)
Amity began yesterday by telling me about my past. Telling me that inside, I'm a scared little girl who is trying to people please her way through life. That I have a guilty conscience when I tell people no and feel as if I tell people no, they will no longer be there for me or like me if you will. That that's why now, there are people who when they need something done they automatically sign me up for it because they know I won't say no and that I'll do it like always. They don't ask me anymore. But that it is okay to say no to people, that I don't have to please everyone all the time. The only people I need to please or should worry about pleasing is only my family and even then there are times when I'm allowed to say no. That's me. In fact I was thinking the other day that I'm just a barker. I like to talk a big talk but when it really comes down to it, I can't even ask a waiter for a new plate of food if something is terribly wrong with what I ordered. I eat it because I don't want people to be mad at me. I don't say no even if I don't want to do something, I just do it. I really do have issues with that. And it comes from when I was younger like Amity told me. When you think of drama, you can picture my family. They are famous for going on binges. No-speaking binges. Where when two family members get into it, they quit talking for a few years and then the whole family sides on one side or another as well and you end up not speaking to or hearing from one side of your family for a few years. And then everyone gets together for some occasion and things are all fine and dandy. Until the next fight. I hated that. I thought that if I could just keep everyone happy, things will always be fine. When my mom put me in counseling I was told that I made myself to be the scapegoat for our family and that wasn't right. No matter what, I've just accepted it and gone on with life. But Amity could read me like a book and she knew and said that I was working on it and that I had doubt but to let go of the doubt and know that I was almost done and was becoming the person I needed to be. I've always felt like a kid. Even now, I'm going to be 25 in two more months and I worry about when am I going to become an adult? I'm finally starting to find myself and I'm so very happy that I'm doing a fine job and that this leg of my journey is almost over.
At this point in the reading I was shocked to tears. I couldn't speak and I was just ... speechless. I have a built up barrier. There are parts of me that even my husband doesn't have a clue about and within 10 minutes, Amity had busted my walls down and exposed me and uncomfortable and new it was, it was actually kind of nice. I felt naked and that my scars were showing through and yet I was being shown that it didn't change anything between Amity and me. She didn't run away and say oh my gosh I hate you never talk to me again. I don't know if she knows it or not but she's cleared away so much and now I'm truly healing and letting down my walls for the first time ever. So I have to stop and say thank you again Amity. My first 10 minutes of this and you've done more than any of my 5 therapists and the 6 years on medications. LoL.
You'll have to excuse my emotional outbursts and my being so girly right now. I'm telling you what, this experience really did wonders on me you have no idea...
So my next part of the reading was about my present. That right now she could see that I was trying to strengthen my walk with God, that I am full of prayers, praying constantly for everyone and myself. And that I was finally becoming my own person. What I mean by that and the same thing she told me, I've never been known just as Beckie. I've been known as Monty's daughter, the kid of the lesbians, so-and-so's girlfriend and now Abel's wife. That's the famous one. Never just Beckie and now I'm starting to walk away from being associated with everyone and becoming my own person which is so nice. Now when people meet me and introduce me to others, this is Beckie is the first words out of their mouths. Not "This is Beckie, Abel's wife." This is where it all pretty much hit my emotional ceiling for me though. She was getting something about an older woman who wanted me to know that she was in Heaven and that things were absolutely fine and that I needed to let go of my worries of her. That may not sound like anything to anyone else but it was the best news I've ever heard. I never met my father's side of the family. My half sister a few times until 4th grade when she basically fell off the planet and never talked to me or my father again. Met an aunt once. That's it. My grandparents died before I was born and lately, over the past few months I've been trying to learn as much as possible about my grandma. I hurt because I never got a chance to meet her and learn from her and have a relationship from a normal family member you know? And not only that but within my walk with God I am sad because no one in my family is a Christian so I worry that when it comes time for me to be in Heaven, I will have no family there you know? I know, you are probably thinking I worry over the silliest things but it's a validated worry. Don't you want what's best for your family and worry when they are making choices that aren't so good for them? Me too. So when Amity told me that an older woman was in Heaven and wanted me to know things were okay I started crying because I knew who that was. There's only one older woman who isn't here you know. And everything she said was an exact worry or constant thought in my mind. It felt so good right then. To have a big weight off of my chest and to know things are well. Do you ever wonder if, when or if we get to Heaven if we are allowed to "check-up" on our family members or friends? In a matter of speaking that is. Like we can tear open a hole in the floor of Heaven and peek down at them? It was like being told that Hey, I'm watching you, don't worry. And now when I go about business I wonder if she is watching and proud and I actually can't wait to get up there and finally meet her.
I can't quit crying, LoL. It's really emotional and please understand that by sharing this with you, I have vulnerably opened myself up to you all. I've never done this before...
My last part was about my future. Amity doesn't tell you your future and she'll tell you that right out. It isn't for us to know. But she can see our goals for the future or our hopes if you will. Forgive me if I explain this wrong, I don't know exactly how to say it. Like I said, you need to read Amity's blog and talk to her about it. Obviously she can explain it...But about my future. She told me that my goal of wanting to be a strong Christian woman and being known for that, would be reached. That I will be the woman I strive to be, I just have to have patience and have faith. That is another constant worry on my mind. Am I truly a decent mother? When will I get better? Am I the woman I should be? Am I going to ever be a good Christian woman? Those sort of thoughts. I just need to have faith that yes, I will be who I need and want to be.
And then she asked if I had any questions or am seeking any answers to anything and I told her about my present situation. In a past blog I had mentioned about Abel's ex friend and his text messaging drama. that's all that I've told anyone about the situation mind you. And all I told Amity is that my anxiety is starting to come back and I'm terrified at night, that every sound sends me to wake Abel and send him down the stairs. I don't sleep well anymore and I'm making myself sick and that I really had to know if we were going to be safe and protected like I want to trust we will be. She then told me that she was seeing a man who was a family member or even a brother to us, that his mind was clouded with drugs or alcohol, and that he has recently flipped his lid. When she asked if that was true I was like oh my word, exactly what I was thinking about. Let me tell you the back story so you can be wowed too...
This guy, Wes, was best friends with Abel. Brothers they called each other as they had been through so much together and been together for so many years. He is a drug user (abuser) and deals them as well. And he did go nuts. He had sent about 30 text messages to Abel's cell phone telling him to eff off, called him, his mother, his dead grandfather and myself a bunch of dirty, awful names, and then when Abel told him he was done with Wes and would no longer have him as a part of his life. Wes got very angry began sending messages that Abel refused to respond to, which a few were about my children who were "abominations" as he called them. The next day he attempted to get into Abel's voicemail which after 3 times of failed attempts, Verizon locks you out and you can't get back in without calling them and accessing your account. They they give you the number of who was trying to access your account or voicemail and that's how we found out it was Wes. So that's when Abel changed his phone number for safety and peace sake. A few days later, Wes begins sending me e-mails which were harassing and threatening. Like how I should be glad and lucky Abel changed his number because Wes would have come up to take care of business had Abel not changed it. That is what I have been terrified of. He was crazy before hand, but now for some reason, it's like something in his head snapped and he's lost it totally. We've both blocked him from e-mailing us and now he can't get a hold of us in any way. Unless he gets a new e-mail address or whatever. That's about it.
So then Amity tells me that I have a reason to be scared, to know that I'm not being over dramatic basically. Which I always have a side worry about. And then she asked if he was a hunter and I said yes, because he attempts to hunt every year but is so bad at it he never gets anything. She had seen him with guns and was wondering. Then she tells me that he moved, which yes he moved the same week this was all going on, but that we didn't know where to. She told me that his vehicle broke down and they have no money so there is no way for him to even get near us. But that she saw no harm to us by him and that he won't be trying to come up to us. Which was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for. I want safety, not just for me but for my kids. My biggest fear is something happening to them.
Last night was the first time I have slept all night with no worries. Even my dream, I remembered it and it was goofy and fun, not scary and frightening. Ignacio also had a great night, he woke up only once, ate, I changed his butt and we both fell asleep immediately after. I can't tell you how wonderful I feel today. I feel so amazing and light. I feel like so much has been opened for me and I feel like I'm not only healing inside but that so many things that I had worries or anxiety over can truly be let go with no doubt. I wanted to blog about this because I think everyone should have a reading done, it benefits you like you wouldn't believe. But I also wanted to open myself up for once. You all can be my first victims muahahaha. I wanted to be real with you as this is day one as the real me. Look mom, I'm growing up finally! :D
Well this is where this blog came from. I wake up at 5 or 6 every morning. And I do up a few dishes in the sink from after dinner and such. That is my quiet time. Hannah is watching morning cartoons, Ignacio has been fed and is sleeping and I? Get to wash dishes and tidy up the kitchen and get lost in my thoughts. And that's what I did, I got lost and ended up writing my blog in my head. And then I just knew that while I didn't want to rush out this blog, that it may need a few days to write out and worked on to fully get everything right, I wanted to get it out while it is still fresh.
My thoughts this morning are of Amity. If you haven't found her yet or read her blog, you absolutely need to. She is an amazing person with hilarious blogs and an amazing ability to write but she did something for me yesterday that has probably changed a lot for me. The blog I have linked to her is the one where she explains about her gift. And what a gift it is. She gave away a few readings and I was lucky and blessed to receive one. I admit, I didn't really know or understand exactly what it was or what went on but when she called me she talked me through it and explained it all to me and I felt good about it. Let me stop here that while they are psychics out there, Amity is not one of them. They dabble in things that are dark and I do not believe, from God. Amity's gift is from God. The things Amity told me were from God for he was the only one to know such things. It's very emotional because what she told me was so personal, no one but myself knew, not even my husband and people who have known me for the past 20 years, don't even know me as well as Amity did yesterday. So when you read her blog and read what I have to share, have an open mind and heart and don't push it away because if you do, I'm not sure you need to be reading this.
I hope I can write this as well as it comes to me in my head :)
Amity began yesterday by telling me about my past. Telling me that inside, I'm a scared little girl who is trying to people please her way through life. That I have a guilty conscience when I tell people no and feel as if I tell people no, they will no longer be there for me or like me if you will. That that's why now, there are people who when they need something done they automatically sign me up for it because they know I won't say no and that I'll do it like always. They don't ask me anymore. But that it is okay to say no to people, that I don't have to please everyone all the time. The only people I need to please or should worry about pleasing is only my family and even then there are times when I'm allowed to say no. That's me. In fact I was thinking the other day that I'm just a barker. I like to talk a big talk but when it really comes down to it, I can't even ask a waiter for a new plate of food if something is terribly wrong with what I ordered. I eat it because I don't want people to be mad at me. I don't say no even if I don't want to do something, I just do it. I really do have issues with that. And it comes from when I was younger like Amity told me. When you think of drama, you can picture my family. They are famous for going on binges. No-speaking binges. Where when two family members get into it, they quit talking for a few years and then the whole family sides on one side or another as well and you end up not speaking to or hearing from one side of your family for a few years. And then everyone gets together for some occasion and things are all fine and dandy. Until the next fight. I hated that. I thought that if I could just keep everyone happy, things will always be fine. When my mom put me in counseling I was told that I made myself to be the scapegoat for our family and that wasn't right. No matter what, I've just accepted it and gone on with life. But Amity could read me like a book and she knew and said that I was working on it and that I had doubt but to let go of the doubt and know that I was almost done and was becoming the person I needed to be. I've always felt like a kid. Even now, I'm going to be 25 in two more months and I worry about when am I going to become an adult? I'm finally starting to find myself and I'm so very happy that I'm doing a fine job and that this leg of my journey is almost over.
At this point in the reading I was shocked to tears. I couldn't speak and I was just ... speechless. I have a built up barrier. There are parts of me that even my husband doesn't have a clue about and within 10 minutes, Amity had busted my walls down and exposed me and uncomfortable and new it was, it was actually kind of nice. I felt naked and that my scars were showing through and yet I was being shown that it didn't change anything between Amity and me. She didn't run away and say oh my gosh I hate you never talk to me again. I don't know if she knows it or not but she's cleared away so much and now I'm truly healing and letting down my walls for the first time ever. So I have to stop and say thank you again Amity. My first 10 minutes of this and you've done more than any of my 5 therapists and the 6 years on medications. LoL.
You'll have to excuse my emotional outbursts and my being so girly right now. I'm telling you what, this experience really did wonders on me you have no idea...
So my next part of the reading was about my present. That right now she could see that I was trying to strengthen my walk with God, that I am full of prayers, praying constantly for everyone and myself. And that I was finally becoming my own person. What I mean by that and the same thing she told me, I've never been known just as Beckie. I've been known as Monty's daughter, the kid of the lesbians, so-and-so's girlfriend and now Abel's wife. That's the famous one. Never just Beckie and now I'm starting to walk away from being associated with everyone and becoming my own person which is so nice. Now when people meet me and introduce me to others, this is Beckie is the first words out of their mouths. Not "This is Beckie, Abel's wife." This is where it all pretty much hit my emotional ceiling for me though. She was getting something about an older woman who wanted me to know that she was in Heaven and that things were absolutely fine and that I needed to let go of my worries of her. That may not sound like anything to anyone else but it was the best news I've ever heard. I never met my father's side of the family. My half sister a few times until 4th grade when she basically fell off the planet and never talked to me or my father again. Met an aunt once. That's it. My grandparents died before I was born and lately, over the past few months I've been trying to learn as much as possible about my grandma. I hurt because I never got a chance to meet her and learn from her and have a relationship from a normal family member you know? And not only that but within my walk with God I am sad because no one in my family is a Christian so I worry that when it comes time for me to be in Heaven, I will have no family there you know? I know, you are probably thinking I worry over the silliest things but it's a validated worry. Don't you want what's best for your family and worry when they are making choices that aren't so good for them? Me too. So when Amity told me that an older woman was in Heaven and wanted me to know things were okay I started crying because I knew who that was. There's only one older woman who isn't here you know. And everything she said was an exact worry or constant thought in my mind. It felt so good right then. To have a big weight off of my chest and to know things are well. Do you ever wonder if, when or if we get to Heaven if we are allowed to "check-up" on our family members or friends? In a matter of speaking that is. Like we can tear open a hole in the floor of Heaven and peek down at them? It was like being told that Hey, I'm watching you, don't worry. And now when I go about business I wonder if she is watching and proud and I actually can't wait to get up there and finally meet her.
I can't quit crying, LoL. It's really emotional and please understand that by sharing this with you, I have vulnerably opened myself up to you all. I've never done this before...
My last part was about my future. Amity doesn't tell you your future and she'll tell you that right out. It isn't for us to know. But she can see our goals for the future or our hopes if you will. Forgive me if I explain this wrong, I don't know exactly how to say it. Like I said, you need to read Amity's blog and talk to her about it. Obviously she can explain it...But about my future. She told me that my goal of wanting to be a strong Christian woman and being known for that, would be reached. That I will be the woman I strive to be, I just have to have patience and have faith. That is another constant worry on my mind. Am I truly a decent mother? When will I get better? Am I the woman I should be? Am I going to ever be a good Christian woman? Those sort of thoughts. I just need to have faith that yes, I will be who I need and want to be.
And then she asked if I had any questions or am seeking any answers to anything and I told her about my present situation. In a past blog I had mentioned about Abel's ex friend and his text messaging drama. that's all that I've told anyone about the situation mind you. And all I told Amity is that my anxiety is starting to come back and I'm terrified at night, that every sound sends me to wake Abel and send him down the stairs. I don't sleep well anymore and I'm making myself sick and that I really had to know if we were going to be safe and protected like I want to trust we will be. She then told me that she was seeing a man who was a family member or even a brother to us, that his mind was clouded with drugs or alcohol, and that he has recently flipped his lid. When she asked if that was true I was like oh my word, exactly what I was thinking about. Let me tell you the back story so you can be wowed too...
This guy, Wes, was best friends with Abel. Brothers they called each other as they had been through so much together and been together for so many years. He is a drug user (abuser) and deals them as well. And he did go nuts. He had sent about 30 text messages to Abel's cell phone telling him to eff off, called him, his mother, his dead grandfather and myself a bunch of dirty, awful names, and then when Abel told him he was done with Wes and would no longer have him as a part of his life. Wes got very angry began sending messages that Abel refused to respond to, which a few were about my children who were "abominations" as he called them. The next day he attempted to get into Abel's voicemail which after 3 times of failed attempts, Verizon locks you out and you can't get back in without calling them and accessing your account. They they give you the number of who was trying to access your account or voicemail and that's how we found out it was Wes. So that's when Abel changed his phone number for safety and peace sake. A few days later, Wes begins sending me e-mails which were harassing and threatening. Like how I should be glad and lucky Abel changed his number because Wes would have come up to take care of business had Abel not changed it. That is what I have been terrified of. He was crazy before hand, but now for some reason, it's like something in his head snapped and he's lost it totally. We've both blocked him from e-mailing us and now he can't get a hold of us in any way. Unless he gets a new e-mail address or whatever. That's about it.
So then Amity tells me that I have a reason to be scared, to know that I'm not being over dramatic basically. Which I always have a side worry about. And then she asked if he was a hunter and I said yes, because he attempts to hunt every year but is so bad at it he never gets anything. She had seen him with guns and was wondering. Then she tells me that he moved, which yes he moved the same week this was all going on, but that we didn't know where to. She told me that his vehicle broke down and they have no money so there is no way for him to even get near us. But that she saw no harm to us by him and that he won't be trying to come up to us. Which was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for. I want safety, not just for me but for my kids. My biggest fear is something happening to them.
Last night was the first time I have slept all night with no worries. Even my dream, I remembered it and it was goofy and fun, not scary and frightening. Ignacio also had a great night, he woke up only once, ate, I changed his butt and we both fell asleep immediately after. I can't tell you how wonderful I feel today. I feel so amazing and light. I feel like so much has been opened for me and I feel like I'm not only healing inside but that so many things that I had worries or anxiety over can truly be let go with no doubt. I wanted to blog about this because I think everyone should have a reading done, it benefits you like you wouldn't believe. But I also wanted to open myself up for once. You all can be my first victims muahahaha. I wanted to be real with you as this is day one as the real me. Look mom, I'm growing up finally! :D
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thank A Vet (And A Soldier!)
I never see my dad quite as proud as I do today.
My dad will be 69 this year. I'm going to 25 in January. He had me much later in life as you can tell. It sucks because he won't be here very much longer, maybe a few years the doctor's tell me. Maybe. And when he looks back on his life, he tells me he regrets nothing and that's how it should be. That as I live my life I should do things that won't cause regret in life. And that with every choice there needs to be had, there will always be two different decisions. But not to worry about what if I had taken the other road, or did something different, because I didn't and it doesn't matter now. I love my daddy. Yes I admit it, I call him my daddy. Not in public and hardly ever to his face but in writing and over the hone, he's still my daddy. I was always, ALWAYS a daddy's girl and spoiled to the bone.
He joined the military when he was 21. He joined the Air Force and was in there for 4 years when he decided not to reenlist again. It wasn't for him. He went back to his parent's place and couldn't find a job and ended up going back into the military. The Marine Corps this time. He was in there for 21 years. Long enough to be eligible for retirement benefits and to be known as a lifer. When he retired out of the Marine Corps he was 46, a Master Staff Seargent and had me, a two year old chubby baby girl waiting for him at home. He served in the Vietnam War as a weather man and also as ... Okay so I forgot what he called it here forgive me please...But basically he had a few weapons on him and rode with men through the jungles as a guard basically. It was his job to look for the enemy or their weapons, bombs, traps etc...He's been shot at and almost died thanks to a mine. But yet he came home safely.
When this Ft hood event took place my father was angry. Men back in Vietnam were drafted, they had no choice but to serve and while some of them jumped to Canada or Mexico, no one ever shot up a base or innocent people. He didn't enjoy being in Vietnam but he made the best of it however he could and dealt with it. He doesn't like how people have evolved from the 1940's to now. And yes, he also still has a thing against the Army. I guess everyone has to have a rival of some kind right? Haha. A Marines rival will always be the Army I suppose....
I'm the first person in my line of family to not be in the military. We are a military family and I'm proud of that. I actually was in the Navy for about a week until they told me they weren't taking me after all due to a pregnancy test that came back positive (thank you Hannah). I would have loved being in but I'm also thankful and happy I have what I do now.
I'm so proud of my dad. He's still proud of that part of his life and doesn't live in those days but now that I'm older he opens up to me and tells me a lot about the years in the military. And a lot of things around our house that I used to think of junk, like an old desk, a few mismatched plates that I don't like as they match nothing and aren't a set. Or a few books and even some weird blankets and sleeping bags. They all came from the base in Vietnam. So now I have them put up and will hold onto them as well. Now I understand.
So today I told my dad I loved him, that I was still proud of him and am so grateful that he served in the military. It's amazing and difficult thing to do and obviously not very many can handle it. And when it comes down to it, whatever part of the military someone is in or how long they serve isn't the point. The point is, they served. They leave their families for months or years at a time and do what they have to for a country full of ungrateful and sometimes uncaring people. Who take our freedom and stomp all over it. But that doesn't stop all of our men and women for doing what they do. They lose their best friends, their family and their roomates everyday to some sort of violence. So please, remember to thank a veteran and a soldier today. Without them, we really wouldn't have anything and what we should have is a sense of pride for having complete strangers care so much for us :)
My dad will be 69 this year. I'm going to 25 in January. He had me much later in life as you can tell. It sucks because he won't be here very much longer, maybe a few years the doctor's tell me. Maybe. And when he looks back on his life, he tells me he regrets nothing and that's how it should be. That as I live my life I should do things that won't cause regret in life. And that with every choice there needs to be had, there will always be two different decisions. But not to worry about what if I had taken the other road, or did something different, because I didn't and it doesn't matter now. I love my daddy. Yes I admit it, I call him my daddy. Not in public and hardly ever to his face but in writing and over the hone, he's still my daddy. I was always, ALWAYS a daddy's girl and spoiled to the bone.
He joined the military when he was 21. He joined the Air Force and was in there for 4 years when he decided not to reenlist again. It wasn't for him. He went back to his parent's place and couldn't find a job and ended up going back into the military. The Marine Corps this time. He was in there for 21 years. Long enough to be eligible for retirement benefits and to be known as a lifer. When he retired out of the Marine Corps he was 46, a Master Staff Seargent and had me, a two year old chubby baby girl waiting for him at home. He served in the Vietnam War as a weather man and also as ... Okay so I forgot what he called it here forgive me please...But basically he had a few weapons on him and rode with men through the jungles as a guard basically. It was his job to look for the enemy or their weapons, bombs, traps etc...He's been shot at and almost died thanks to a mine. But yet he came home safely.
When this Ft hood event took place my father was angry. Men back in Vietnam were drafted, they had no choice but to serve and while some of them jumped to Canada or Mexico, no one ever shot up a base or innocent people. He didn't enjoy being in Vietnam but he made the best of it however he could and dealt with it. He doesn't like how people have evolved from the 1940's to now. And yes, he also still has a thing against the Army. I guess everyone has to have a rival of some kind right? Haha. A Marines rival will always be the Army I suppose....
I'm the first person in my line of family to not be in the military. We are a military family and I'm proud of that. I actually was in the Navy for about a week until they told me they weren't taking me after all due to a pregnancy test that came back positive (thank you Hannah). I would have loved being in but I'm also thankful and happy I have what I do now.
I'm so proud of my dad. He's still proud of that part of his life and doesn't live in those days but now that I'm older he opens up to me and tells me a lot about the years in the military. And a lot of things around our house that I used to think of junk, like an old desk, a few mismatched plates that I don't like as they match nothing and aren't a set. Or a few books and even some weird blankets and sleeping bags. They all came from the base in Vietnam. So now I have them put up and will hold onto them as well. Now I understand.
So today I told my dad I loved him, that I was still proud of him and am so grateful that he served in the military. It's amazing and difficult thing to do and obviously not very many can handle it. And when it comes down to it, whatever part of the military someone is in or how long they serve isn't the point. The point is, they served. They leave their families for months or years at a time and do what they have to for a country full of ungrateful and sometimes uncaring people. Who take our freedom and stomp all over it. But that doesn't stop all of our men and women for doing what they do. They lose their best friends, their family and their roomates everyday to some sort of violence. So please, remember to thank a veteran and a soldier today. Without them, we really wouldn't have anything and what we should have is a sense of pride for having complete strangers care so much for us :)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Things I Love
Thank you Drahdrah for this new activity. It's nice to sit and focus on teh good stuff and not the bad :) You should head over and check out her blog and post and do one yourself :)
*I love hearing a baby laugh, it's the most beautiful sound in the world.
*I love listening to my husband's heart as we're cuddling, it reminds me that yes, my life is real.
*I love Autumn, it's chilly but it's so gorgeous and always smells differently than the other seasons.
*I love cuddling my kids, no matter how big or small they are, they seem to fit perfectly in my arms.
*I love my friends, with even a 4 or 5 word comment, they always bring a smile to my face.
*I love facebook, I'm an addict, haha.
*I love steamed asperagus with melted butter, Mmmmm...
*I love watching Spongebob Squarepants.
*I love ornery old people, they never make life dull and when they end up liking you, it's the biggest accomplishment for you and really says a lot about yoru people skills.
~Well that's my list for this week. tune in next week for another one! Thanks for stopping by!~
*Beckie*
Friday, November 6, 2009
Fragmented Friday
It's that special time again!! Thank you Mrs.4444 I'm joining the fabulous Friday tradition yet again :)
*Today at noon begins the wonderful time honored tradition of deer hunting. Not only have we paid a guy to shoot us 4 deer, but my husband also got his license and is now going hunting for 2. While i understand that the (almost) free meat is amazing and lasts us forever, I lose my husband. I don't see his face until every deer is brought in. You'd think that would be a happy point, when I could see him yet again? Nope. It's not. Why? Because guess who gets to help gut and package the meat???
*I am so tired of my typing skills. Or lack thereof. I can type fast. It's great. But yet my THE is always teh and KNOW is always knwo. I tire of it. I love you spell check, for you are truly, my best friend and companion...
*We had beef with Abel's now ex-best friend. He decided to flood the husband's cell phone with disgusting insulting text messages declaring my kids, me, my MIL and dead grandpa-in-law horrid names. Then he tells Abel he never wants anything to do with us. Thank you Jesus (I never liked the guy) so here we are breathing lighter and having better days when we find out that this guy tried 3 different times to hack into hubby's voicemail and e-mail. I love that Verizon gives you the phone number of who was attempting to get into the voicemail, LoL. Loser...
*I'm in the middle of a pregnancy scare. Too bad when you pay for a vasectomy, they can't throw in a guarantee for free. Because it scares me. I don't want another child. I've chosen not to risk mine or another child's life. Or go through yet another miscarriage.
*I love that when I tell people I don't want anymore children and how if I were to end up pregnant I wouldn't know what to think, they call me a bad person. Hey, if I wasn't such a lousy child carrier or broke, I'd totally be up for being a Duggar-like family. But I'm a lousy child-carrier and I'm broke. Eat it.
*Oh we aren't done yet. We'll be adopting. Later. Very later in life. And not babies.
*My fish comforts me. He watches me when I'm on the computer. And follows my finger. Everywhere. I love him. I've secretly named him George. Hannah calls him Oreo. Who am I to argue with a 3 year old?
*I have a canker sore on my lip. It's driving me insane. Hey. It's random and it's a fragment. I win.
*This week has begun my life changing process. I'm up at 6 (or 4 today) and immediately put on the coffee for husband and do up any dishes left in the sink which aren't ever many as I do dishes right after dinner. Then I clean whatever needs cleaning up, start any laundry that needs done and then hop on here for about a half an hour. My day is open with nothing to do thanks to my new routine but I feel like a much better person and I have much more time to focus on the kids. The best part of my week and new routine is that I can get them both to sleep at the same time leaving me spare time to watch any tv shows that Abel dis-likes watching (I heart you Tivo!) or a nap myself. I'm a much happier person these days.
*I'm looking forward to November 20th like it was Christmas. My husband is taking me on a no kids date out of town to see two movies that are opening that day. The only movie I have ever seen on it's opening day was this last Harry Potter. I've never been on a date with no kids. Hannah was always young enough to take along or we've never had a babysitter. This. Could be the greatest day of my life. Seriously. (Psst the movies are Twilight and Blindside)
*I've been on a typing thing lately where my favorite words are PS and slash. Why type / when I could just write out slash and forget about it? Oh and my husband has put Yo into my vocabulary. Talk about 1990-gangster here, LoL. yes my name is Beckie and I am a dork. Eat it.
*Goodie season is upon us. 49 more shopping days until Christmas. Don't be surprised some of my bloggy friends when I jump onto your blog begging you to trust me with your address as I may have something for you. I love giving gifts to others. That's why I put us into debt every year at this time. It's worth it.
This concludes my Fragmented Friday! *Muah* Hope you enjoyed it :) Now go visit Mrs.4444 and do one yourself. It's quite fun :)
*Beckie*
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Had To Do This :)
Here is the link to an amazing contest that I'm trying to win. I'll blog about to share it with everyone though. What is the giveaway about? Why, Mickey's Magical Christmas the movie of course!! I'm very hopeful that I can win this one. Hannah likes Mickey's Clubhouse on Disney so I'm pretty sure she'd like this too and I'm a secret closet Mickey fan, haha. Oh well...So go visit her and check it out!!
Tryingtostaycalm
Tryingtostaycalm
Monday, November 2, 2009
PS--I Am Addicted To Spellcheck
So happy November Second! LoL. I need something to celebrate. 3 months with holidays in each. I'm going to be really burned out on my birthday in January. LoL.
Halloween went great. It was so awesome to watch Hannah get all excited and running to each house to do her trick or treat. It was our first Halloween as Abel isn't crazy about it and is brainwashed that it's the celebrating of the devil or whatever. He isn't an extremist I promise you, I just have a long way of re-brainwashing him, LoL. His family didn't do any celebrating of any holidays. They were lazy and not real with it. So of course I reap the rewards of him not wanting to do much. We're working on that. He's come a long way from when we first got together, haha. He did have fun with Hannah. For some reason daddy was who she wanted coming with her, not mommy. And he was entertained by her excitement so it did go very well. And the kid loaded up on 4 bucketfuls of candy. So mommy and daddy are well stocked for awhile. We don't like her having too many sweets so we're really doing her a favor by eating her candy, LoL. I'm sure some of you saw my Facebook status: Is it child labor to make your child go begging for candy for 3 hours only to eat it myself? For real though...Is it? LoL.
My dad is back in the hospital again. This is day number 5. He went in last weekend to get checked out and whoever the traveling doctor was, was a twit. She sent him home on nothing but steroids. Umm steroids for pneumonia? Really? And you got your medical degree where...? So when dad went in again on Wednesday, he doesn't remember the entire day. Yet he drove to the doctor's office and saw the Dr and all that. Talk about scary. He's not really on the mend yet and called me yesterday freaking me out telling me he thinks the doctor thinks he is going to die. I don't do well with death talks and yet I get one every time he goes in to the hospital. This time was a little more real though because he was really bad. He still is. Double pneumonia and the flu on top of his normal COPD issues. I have this huge issue of anything can happen but not to us so when I think of the fact that lots of people die from just the flu, I still sit here and say not him. Never mind that he's going to be 69 this month. Or that he is in horrible health. I'm pretty selfish because I pray that God heals him and lets him come home again. Whereas I get sorta mad at Abel because he simply prays that God's will be done. And then he tells me that in all of dad's suffering don't I want him in peace? Ugh. Death. Hate it! Where is the dis-like button....?
I massively cleaned my house this weekend. Totally sucked but I did it. I have been spending too much time on the computer lately. It's because I'm bored and my kids are too good. Hannah plays in her room or on her new game or watches a movie. Ignacio. Well he still sleeps. A lot. So I get bored. Well in my boredness my house has fallen apart. And that bugs me. So I cleaned. And organized. And rearranged. It felt good. LoL. Now I'm aware that minus the fact that I have laundry to do. I have nothing to do. Oops! LoL. Maybe I'll read a book today. I'm giving myself a limit of time I can be on here. Break myself sorta. It's bad when you get to that point. LoL. Maybe I need a job? LoL. NO! Bad words! Never say that again!
OKay anyways, I'm running off. Coffee needs to be made for the husband and Hannah wants me to watch Spongebob with her so I'm going to jet. I've been up since 6 and it actually feels good. I slept too much yesterday night and didn't feel good. Sadness...I hope everyone has a wonderful week and hears only great news! Blessings to all and I'll blog another day!
Halloween went great. It was so awesome to watch Hannah get all excited and running to each house to do her trick or treat. It was our first Halloween as Abel isn't crazy about it and is brainwashed that it's the celebrating of the devil or whatever. He isn't an extremist I promise you, I just have a long way of re-brainwashing him, LoL. His family didn't do any celebrating of any holidays. They were lazy and not real with it. So of course I reap the rewards of him not wanting to do much. We're working on that. He's come a long way from when we first got together, haha. He did have fun with Hannah. For some reason daddy was who she wanted coming with her, not mommy. And he was entertained by her excitement so it did go very well. And the kid loaded up on 4 bucketfuls of candy. So mommy and daddy are well stocked for awhile. We don't like her having too many sweets so we're really doing her a favor by eating her candy, LoL. I'm sure some of you saw my Facebook status: Is it child labor to make your child go begging for candy for 3 hours only to eat it myself? For real though...Is it? LoL.
My dad is back in the hospital again. This is day number 5. He went in last weekend to get checked out and whoever the traveling doctor was, was a twit. She sent him home on nothing but steroids. Umm steroids for pneumonia? Really? And you got your medical degree where...? So when dad went in again on Wednesday, he doesn't remember the entire day. Yet he drove to the doctor's office and saw the Dr and all that. Talk about scary. He's not really on the mend yet and called me yesterday freaking me out telling me he thinks the doctor thinks he is going to die. I don't do well with death talks and yet I get one every time he goes in to the hospital. This time was a little more real though because he was really bad. He still is. Double pneumonia and the flu on top of his normal COPD issues. I have this huge issue of anything can happen but not to us so when I think of the fact that lots of people die from just the flu, I still sit here and say not him. Never mind that he's going to be 69 this month. Or that he is in horrible health. I'm pretty selfish because I pray that God heals him and lets him come home again. Whereas I get sorta mad at Abel because he simply prays that God's will be done. And then he tells me that in all of dad's suffering don't I want him in peace? Ugh. Death. Hate it! Where is the dis-like button....?
I massively cleaned my house this weekend. Totally sucked but I did it. I have been spending too much time on the computer lately. It's because I'm bored and my kids are too good. Hannah plays in her room or on her new game or watches a movie. Ignacio. Well he still sleeps. A lot. So I get bored. Well in my boredness my house has fallen apart. And that bugs me. So I cleaned. And organized. And rearranged. It felt good. LoL. Now I'm aware that minus the fact that I have laundry to do. I have nothing to do. Oops! LoL. Maybe I'll read a book today. I'm giving myself a limit of time I can be on here. Break myself sorta. It's bad when you get to that point. LoL. Maybe I need a job? LoL. NO! Bad words! Never say that again!
OKay anyways, I'm running off. Coffee needs to be made for the husband and Hannah wants me to watch Spongebob with her so I'm going to jet. I've been up since 6 and it actually feels good. I slept too much yesterday night and didn't feel good. Sadness...I hope everyone has a wonderful week and hears only great news! Blessings to all and I'll blog another day!
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