When something bad comes around my way, this is always my reply when people ask or talk about it. It happens. Whatever it is, it happens. We can't walk around life and think "It just won't happen to me." We can but we will be completely wrong. Always.
So as I sit here thinking about my father, in the crack of dawn, or actually a few hours before...A part of me is still going hey, it won't happen. Someday but no where near now. WRONG!
We ventured to Bismarck yesterday to go see dad's doctor at the Heart and Lung clinic. We had to get him out of the hospital for the day to do this mind you. This is his fourth week in the hospital. So he was thankful and glad for the trip. It meant one day he could have a break. Which he did. He got to eat at McDonald's (Yes doctor, he only ate a grilled chicken salad and a diet sprite) and he got to hang out with his grandson all day which was what he enjoyed the most.
The news we received at the clinic wasn't good news though. Q: Why isn't dad getting better and keeps slowly declining? A: Because when he caught the flu it was the swine flu, and on top of that he had double pneumonia. That takes a few weeks to get over for a healthy person, for dad it will be much longer. His lungs however are slowly failing him and giving out. His heart as well. It's already having to beat hard because of the breathing but now that he has been diagnosed as having heart failure, one side beats twice as hard and fast to make up for the other side. One of them is going to give out soon and it's slowly coming to that point.
I was watching dad yesterday as we were sitting in the office and sitting in his wheelchair, I noticed that he looked liek an old man and started wondering, when teh heck did that happen? My dad is going to be 69 here in a few days. I know he's older than all of my friend's dads. I know he's older than a lot of people but his age never stopped him from doing anything. Until now. And that's the hardest part. How do you stand by and let someone get old?
So now I don't know. I hate to jump to the conclusion and say he's dying because I still don't feel like he is. I think this is just a really big and really hard bump in the road. I know things are failing but that doesn't mean he's dying. I hate HATE that word by the way. I don't want to think that and get myself in a stressed out anxiety ridden tizzy for nothing. But then again, I don't want to be caught off guard. So I don't know. I really don't know why I am posting this. Maybe because it is part of me opening up and not hiding anything. I've grown close to you all. And I'm not looking for pity but maybe a few prayers?
It's hard to sit there and watch someone struggle for a simple breath. Or to wish that despite the struggle and pain and suffering that God spare you a few more years with them because you want to be selfish and not have them leave just yet. Or to try not to cry over nothing even though it can be something? I think the hardest part of it is thinking of my kids. Which is where my dam bursts every time :) I grew up with no grandparents. I don't want my kids growing up with no grandparents. To have to stand by and know that they are going to be around so many kids who talk non-stop about grandparents when mine don't have theirs. Or when Grandparents day comes by, they'll stand there going, okaaay now what? My dad is the only one who does things for them and with them, who spends the time with them, who cares. Abel's family must think that they have so many so it's okay if one or two get forgotten. And we're the lucky ones who get to conveniently wait on the sides. We don't get birthday cards or gifts, or holiday cards but yet I get a nagging phone call if I forget a picture. My mom sent Hannah her first birthday gift this year. A month and a half late but I'm just thankful she got something. So when my dad is gone, what then you know?
So Thanksgiving this year will be small and eaten in a hospital room. My idea and even with dad complaining and telling us no, I'm not giving in. I have told the nurses to screw their whole "No minors under the age of 16" BS rule. I have respect for nurses but not when it comes to this. And yes, when I hear of the slightest thing going wrong, I freak out on them now. Because I don't want them ignoring my father or treating him like any other patient. And that bitch who was working the ER when they turned him away and sent him home WILL be seeing my gorgeous face in a few days because had she admitted my father like they were supposed to instead of turning him away and sending hm home with no medication, this wouldn't be happening right now. Pardon my french there.
I know everyone is complaining about Christmas decorations and ads appearing so early. I ran into people in WalMart yesterday with that attitude. Me? I'm brutally honest here. I don't care for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful everyday of the year so to set aside one day of the year to be thankful is crap. Just like Valentine's Day. Crap holiday too. But I'll vent about that one when it comes. Thanksgiving is just a day to eat Turkey. I'm glad the Pilgrims came here and all that so yes I still celebrate it. But it's boring. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. I'm on a truthful binge here. This year though, I want one more Christmas with dad. So I'm yanking out our lights today because the husband is going to have them up before dad gets home. Dad has never put lights up on this house and has always wanted to so we're doing it for him and by gum, he will see the house lit up whether it be a week before Thanksgiving or not. Like I put up on Facebook. I'm decorating early, don't nag at me if you don't like it because it may be our last with my dad. Thanksgiving isn't important to him so we're skipping that halfway.
Anyways, I'm leaving it here. My stomach is upset with stress so I'm going to go lay down and watch Spongebob. By the way. If you smoke and I find out about it, you will have a nag on you until you quit. This is why my father is like this. COPD people! Emphysema! People know what happens and yet they smoke away not caring. Dad can't stand up without struggling to breath. He can't walk 2 feet to a chair without needing a nebulizer treatment. If that sounds fun, keep puffing on that death stick. Literally death stick. It's an ugly and nasty habit anyways. Abel smokes and let's just say all excitement for him has now ceased. I will not be doing this twice in my life. And I will use whatever means I can to "encourage" him to quit. *smirk*
Anyways, I didn't put this up to seek pity, I don't deal well with it anyways. I just wanted to let you know that a road traveled often on has developed a pot hole and I don't know how big this hole will get yet or if it will be patched up for now. But if I don't blog often in the next month or two, don't worry, I will at least be reading your blogs, I just will be sucking in as much time as I can. And maybe, we are all wrong. Maybe this time next year I'll be writing a blog venting on how dad wants to BBQ the turkey instead of baking it and how that frustrates me, haha. :) I hope...So a very early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you all have a fabulous time with family and friends and eat some nice juicy not burnt turkey :D