So, I broke.

I can't resist. I miss blogging but maybe that's because I took a break from it that made me realize how important it is to me. Even if no one reads it or comments it, I still miss writing. Especially about things that I feel come out better if I wrote them down instead of talked about them. Or maybe because I have strangers from far away distances who are really my my trustworthy and special friends. Maybe...It's because I've done it for so long, I'm truly addicted? LoL. Whatever it is I think I'm back. Who knows with my flip-floppy ways...
So I broke yesterday. It actually started Friday night. Abel and I took Hannah to her very first movie in a theatre. Toy Story 3. The big one. :D She loved it and every part of the evening was exciting to her. Even the paying for her own ticket part. I think I watched her more than the movie though. She looked....So old sitting there. Like a big kid who has sat through millions of movies. All of a sudden she was grown up right in front of me. Is that pathetic or does that actually make any sense? During the movie I cried, more in the end part though. I won't say where and why, it gives away too much. But it was sad. Bittersweet actually.
So on to yesterday. So Ignacio was making goofy faces at me and laughing hysterically and one moment I find myself laughing at him and the next...Blubbering like a damn baby. It was one of my "Missing dad" moments. 3 months later and I still cry every so often. Ignacio is so tenderhearted, he saw me crying and started crying too so I had to quickly dry my eyes and get him laughing again.
He's much different than Hannah. Hannah and I have a relationship of course, I mean, I'm only with her 24 hours a day and all. But there's not really a bond there and I ache for that. She has that strong bond and attachment to Abel. Definite daddy's girl. Ignacio on the other hand. Doesn't really have much to do with Abel. He doesn't stray far from me which can totally suck but secretly, deep down, I looove it! My boy....He turns one in two more weeks. I'm having a rough time with it. It sucks knowing that he is the last child I will ever have. Soo bittersweet. I decided to do a Sesame Street party for him. I'm anti-Pooh and the usual First birthdays weren't yelling out at me so I went with Elmo and his gang. And to really make things fun, I got a monkey cake pan and a decorating kit and am going to attempt to make my own cake. Yes, a monkey pan. For a Sesame Street party. I know, I know...But he's my monkey, I couldn't not do it you know? Hannah's birthday comes one month after his so we got her stuff already too. Toy Story theme. And a Buzz Lightyear cake pan. I like cakes so we'll see how I can do...
Hannah is starting Head Start next month. Blows my mind...Awanas, Girl Scouts and Head start. Yikes!! Talk about growing up on me. I'm excited though. I'm focused on being the sort of mom I would have killed to have when I was growing up so even though I'm dysfunctional, maybe she won't know that, hehehe....
I've decided to venture down to California for about a week. Going to visit the in-laws with the kids. Abel is working so he can't make it so it's just me and the kids. I've decided to drop my selfish pity party act and love my in-laws and accept them for who they are, flaws included. I can be a butt head a lot so why i expect others to be prefect is beyond me. I need to let go. So I am. I'm letting go and embracing what little family we have. And it was pretty awesome. When Abel's mom heard I was coming down, she decided to throw a party for Ignacio's birthday. I'm really surprised and excited. They really aren't bad people at all. My issue is I expect them to do like dad did and that isn't reasonable. So I'm hoping for fun times while were there. Venture to San Fransisco. Get a tattoo. Or two. LoL. Who knows...
And I have gone on a change mission. I've gone black hair. To finally match my eyebrows and do something different. It looks good. makes me look a little older but more....fancy? LoL. I can't think of the word right now but it makes me look it. And I've been losing weight finally. 12 pounds in 3 weeks and went from size 16 to size 14 pants :D Going to the gym a lot and doing things healthier finally. I want to be 40 pounds lighter than what I was and/or a size 10 in pants. Which is completely reasonable in my mind. I even got nails done thanks to a Gucci wearing mama out there. Reading about her cute nails and it made me want to get some just because my nails are thin and brittle. They are fun, that's for sure. For once in my life, I feel pretty. I even bought some lingerie at Victoria's Secret on a splurge and didn't turn off the lights when i wore it. I have very low self esteem mind you. VERY LOW and for once, I don't. I think I look cute, I wear my fat pants which fall off my butt and I smile a lot more. Abel likes the change and I think it's good for me.
Anyways, that's about it for me. I'm super tired, had a long day so I gotta go finish up some last minute housework and then go lay down to watch Last holiday. Loove that movie! I hope you all are having a good night. Until next time!