Monday, July 26, 2010

So, I broke.

I can't resist. I miss blogging but maybe that's because I took a break from it that made me realize how important it is to me. Even if no one reads it or comments it, I still miss writing. Especially about things that I feel come out better if I wrote them down instead of talked about them. Or maybe because I have strangers from far away distances who are really my my trustworthy and special friends. Maybe...It's because I've done it for so long, I'm truly addicted? LoL. Whatever it is I think I'm back. Who knows with my flip-floppy ways...
So I broke yesterday. It actually started Friday night. Abel and I took Hannah to her very first movie in a theatre. Toy Story 3. The big one. :D She loved it and every part of the evening was exciting to her. Even the paying for her own ticket part. I think I watched her more than the movie though. She looked....So old sitting there. Like a big kid who has sat through millions of movies. All of a sudden she was grown up right in front of me. Is that pathetic or does that actually make any sense? During the movie I cried, more in the end part though. I won't say where and why, it gives away too much. But it was sad. Bittersweet actually.
So on to yesterday. So Ignacio was making goofy faces at me and laughing hysterically and one moment I find myself laughing at him and the next...Blubbering like a damn baby. It was one of my "Missing dad" moments. 3 months later and I still cry every so often. Ignacio is so tenderhearted, he saw me crying and started crying too so I had to quickly dry my eyes and get him laughing again.
He's much different than Hannah. Hannah and I have a relationship of course, I mean, I'm only with her 24 hours a day and all. But there's not really a bond there and I ache for that. She has that strong bond and attachment to Abel. Definite daddy's girl. Ignacio on the other hand. Doesn't really have much to do with Abel. He doesn't stray far from me which can totally suck but secretly, deep down, I looove it! My boy....He turns one in two more weeks. I'm having a rough time with it. It sucks knowing that he is the last child I will ever have. Soo bittersweet. I decided to do a Sesame Street party for him. I'm anti-Pooh and the usual First birthdays weren't yelling out at me so I went with Elmo and his gang. And to really make things fun, I got a monkey cake pan and a decorating kit and am going to attempt to make my own cake. Yes, a monkey pan. For a Sesame Street party. I know, I know...But he's my monkey, I couldn't not do it you know? Hannah's birthday comes one month after his so we got her stuff already too. Toy Story theme. And a Buzz Lightyear cake pan. I like cakes so we'll see how I can do...
Hannah is starting Head Start next month. Blows my mind...Awanas, Girl Scouts and Head start. Yikes!! Talk about growing up on me. I'm excited though. I'm focused on being the sort of mom I would have killed to have when I was growing up so even though I'm dysfunctional, maybe she won't know that, hehehe....
I've decided to venture down to California for about a week. Going to visit the in-laws with the kids. Abel is working so he can't make it so it's just me and the kids. I've decided to drop my selfish pity party act and love my in-laws and accept them for who they are, flaws included. I can be a butt head a lot so why i expect others to be prefect is beyond me. I need to let go. So I am. I'm letting go and embracing what little family we have. And it was pretty awesome. When Abel's mom heard I was coming down, she decided to throw a party for Ignacio's birthday. I'm really surprised and excited. They really aren't bad people at all. My issue is I expect them to do like dad did and that isn't reasonable. So I'm hoping for fun times while were there. Venture to San Fransisco. Get a tattoo. Or two. LoL. Who knows...
And I have gone on a change mission. I've gone black hair. To finally match my eyebrows and do something different. It looks good. makes me look a little older but more....fancy? LoL. I can't think of the word right now but it makes me look it. And I've been losing weight finally. 12 pounds in 3 weeks and went from size 16 to size 14 pants :D Going to the gym a lot and doing things healthier finally. I want to be 40 pounds lighter than what I was and/or a size 10 in pants. Which is completely reasonable in my mind. I even got nails done thanks to a Gucci wearing mama out there. Reading about her cute nails and it made me want to get some just because my nails are thin and brittle. They are fun, that's for sure. For once in my life, I feel pretty. I even bought some lingerie at Victoria's Secret on a splurge and didn't turn off the lights when i wore it. I have very low self esteem mind you. VERY LOW and for once, I don't. I think I look cute, I wear my fat pants which fall off my butt and I smile a lot more. Abel likes the change and I think it's good for me.
Anyways, that's about it for me. I'm super tired, had a long day so I gotta go finish up some last minute housework and then go lay down to watch Last holiday. Loove that movie! I hope you all are having a good night. Until next time!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul - John & Stasi Eldredge

I'm cheating a little bit here. I requested Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge and I'm only a part of the ways in it but it is incredible so far! I have family coming in for about a week so I know when I finish the book I won't have time to blog the review so I'm going to put down the description off the back of the book and tell you that no amount of words can tell you how wonderful this book is. It's almost freeing really. I can feel myself letting go of everything and looking forward to changing myself. I love books that allow you to look within yourself and rearrange your inner being. I can feel myself letting go of my self image a little bit, almost like cracking a safe open after so many years of trying. I can feel beauty and a little bit of understanding and knowing of who I am. That's a huge thing for me. I'm such a closed person who ends up with every backwards step, closing up more and more and I am so glad I began reading this now, when I needed it the most. I have hopes of it opening me up and becoming a stronger and better person. I hope to find the beautiful woman I am and disposing of this scared, self loathing person I am now. And from what I have read, I know it will change me in big ways :D I feel that yes, every woman should have this and every man should read it to understand us better as well. You can bet yoru pants Abel will be reading this. It will explain to him better than how I can, how to understand me and why I am the way I am. :) Definitely seek this book out! Definitely, definitely. Oh and they make one for guys too :)

"Every little girl has dreams of being swept up into a great adventure, of being the beautiful princess. Sadly, when women grow up, they are often swept up into a life filled merely with duty and demands. Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a "good servant," a nurturing caregiver, or a capable home manager.

What Wild at Heart did for men, Captivating is doing for women. Setting their hearts free. This groundbreaking book shows readers the glorious design of women before the fall, describes how the feminine heart can be restored, and casts a vision for the power, freedom, and beauty of a woman released to be all she was meant to be. By revealing the core desires every woman shares-to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a grand adventure, and to unveil beauty-John and Stasi Eldredge invite women to recover their feminine hearts, created in the image of an intimate and passionate God. Further, they encourage men to discover the secret of a woman's soul and to delight in the beauty and strength women were created to offer."

Update in my lonely corner.

So this will probably be one of the rare moments where I actually blog anymore. I don't feel like I have the time to read everyone's blogs as I used to what with my new job and running after my kiddos and playing out side and such. I have one day where I play catch up and read everyone blogs that I follow but I don't usually leave comments anymore because mine seem so lost in the millions of others or it has been too late or I just don't feel like it I suppose.
Life is life over on my side. I lost a friend of mine who I used to be super tight with. She had issues that I found out via her husband telling my husband and now I feel a little used and abused so I have cut myself off from everyone. When I was in Montana what I considered "friends" were just a circle of people there to criticize and talk about me behind my back and who were there mainly so my husband could play with their husbands. (PS when I say play, I mean do guy thinsg such as work on cars and play golf) It would have been odd for him to show up and all the lame group functions alone right? Good wife I am I suppose...Plus I had no one else so it was convienant I guess. I mean in the begining I really was close with some of the ladies and then towards teh end drama and other people got in teh way annnnnnd....I'm lame because I'm too shy and closed off to make new friends so I whine in my pity corner. Don't mind me :) So now I have closed myself off due to lack of trust and distance and a tad bit of butt-hurtness and pretty much have realized that I've almost lost everyone along the way. But as much as I should grieve about that it's almost normal. I've only ever had one or two friends and I think I enjoy it that way. I don't like phones or distance and dometimes that can get in the way...Well alot of times actually.
I've gotten a lot of weight off my life however. My mother disowned me for not sharing my father's inheritance with her. She somehow thinks she deserved a chunk or something. She wanted to move to Boise and expected me to help her with it. I stood up and told her no for once in my life and voila! The witch is gone! I still swear God took the wrong parent however but whatever. So now I haveless stress in my life and when someone snarks at me again for spoiling my kids or spending too much on them, I get to retort back with a "Someone has to do it!"
I get tired of people judging me because I tend to overspend on my kids...I get tired of people judging me based on the fact that I spend money at all....
We bought a house. Are buying, whatever. A beautiful house, my dream house, which sits on five beautiful acres with a bueatiful creek running behind it. It's in Libby, Montana and huge. Abel helped build it about 4 years ago so we know it inside and out. And my favorite part (aside from the big kitchen and island in it) is the fact that it has a deck outside of not only the back door but what will be our room upstairs. I dream of sitting outside with hot cocoa and watching the sun set while the water is flowing. And five acres means animals. Tons of animals and a few horses. We've gotten our blessing and will never look for anything else. Praise God! This does not mean we will be moving anytime soon however. We know the people who are selling it very well so they are allowing us to rent to own and from over here. We plan on maybe two years moving over there finally. We want to have a good chunk of money down before taking off.
The kids are faring well. Hannah is going through a rebelling and stubborn streak which some days has me pulling out my hair. Other days she can be sweet as can be and so well behaved. I swear i should have had all boys, LoL. Ignacio is doing well. Pulling himself up on everything and walking along all the furniture for awhile now. Still only 4 teeth and not in a hurry to walk. At all. Sucker hauls butt when he crawls though, it's great.
Abel is working like crazy on the railroad. They kicked into busy season and should be busy for the rest of the summer and well into harvest season. No layoffs this year yay! We are looking forward to next month when the new hires are no longer students and are actual conductors. Abel will not be last man on the totem pole anymore, yay! I hate seniority sometimes...He gets stuck with all the caca jobs being last man.
And I have a job. Just a little dinky one working at our downtown gas station food area. Fixing food. I'm really good with people and customers so it does me well. I had to get it in order for Hannah to be in Head Start this year. So I did it. I'm lazy and don't want to work though mind you. But the work is so menial and there isn't much to do so it's easy enough to not complain about haha. And it's okay money considering where we are and all. With the new house, it's a good thing I got the job, every bit helps right??
I started a new diet. Sort of. The month after I had Ignacio I planned on losing 80 pounds. Half of that was baby weight and half of that was what I had on me pre-baby. I lost my baby weight 4 months after I had him. I've been trying ever since to lose the rest with no luck. So I got on diet pills with my Dr's okay. So I got OxyElite Pro from GNC. And oh my goodness! Amazing! They give me energy which I never have and so far in 4 days I've already lost 7 pounds. I've been walking everywhere and doing a lot of outside work too so that helps. I'm excited because I have dropped one pants size as well! That's more of what i want. Inches gone more so than weight but hey if I'm losing weight, I won't complain! So wish me luck on this new adventure. I have a wedding coming up for a friend and I don't want to be the overweight bridesmaid who barely fits her dress you know...
And that is about it. I get to begin the process of putting together my kid's swingset we bought them which looks intimidating and a definite time consuming job for sure. And I'm going to go see if I have enough time to write some e-mails to some family members I've been neglecting and to some friends as well. If I have time...
I hope and pray all you are doing wonderful with no trouble at this time. And soon I hope to overcome my little gray cloud here and come back into the world again. For now this is what you get and if you miss me, I'm on facebook or you can email me and I will get back to you. I have a new resolution and who cares if it's July? LoL>
Until next time!