This Could Be A Long, & Very Personal One....

Sometimes I feel I could sit down and write a novel. I have this desire to do one and I get so many ideas. Do you ever just stand around doing dishes and literally write two chapters of a book in your head but then as you sit down to jot it all down it disappears? So at least I keep myself entertained, LoL.

Well this is where this blog came from. I wake up at 5 or 6 every morning. And I do up a few dishes in the sink from after dinner and such. That is my quiet time. Hannah is watching morning cartoons, Ignacio has been fed and is sleeping and I? Get to wash dishes and tidy up the kitchen and get lost in my thoughts. And that's what I did, I got lost and ended up writing my blog in my head. And then I just knew that while I didn't want to rush out this blog, that it may need a few days to write out and worked on to fully get everything right, I wanted to get it out while it is still fresh.

My thoughts this morning are of Amity. If you haven't found her yet or read her blog, you absolutely need to. She is an amazing person with hilarious blogs and an amazing ability to write but she did something for me yesterday that has probably changed a lot for me. The blog I have linked to her is the one where she explains about her gift. And what a gift it is. She gave away a few readings and I was lucky and blessed to receive one. I admit, I didn't really know or understand exactly what it was or what went on but when she called me she talked me through it and explained it all to me and I felt good about it. Let me stop here that while they are psychics out there, Amity is not one of them. They dabble in things that are dark and I do not believe, from God. Amity's gift is from God. The things Amity told me were from God for he was the only one to know such things. It's very emotional because what she told me was so personal, no one but myself knew, not even my husband and people who have known me for the past 20 years, don't even know me as well as Amity did yesterday. So when you read her blog and read what I have to share, have an open mind and heart and don't push it away because if you do, I'm not sure you need to be reading this.

I hope I can write this as well as it comes to me in my head :)

Amity began yesterday by telling me about my past. Telling me that inside, I'm a scared little girl who is trying to people please her way through life. That I have a guilty conscience when I tell people no and feel as if I tell people no, they will no longer be there for me or like me if you will. That that's why now, there are people who when they need something done they automatically sign me up for it because they know I won't say no and that I'll do it like always. They don't ask me anymore. But that it is okay to say no to people, that I don't have to please everyone all the time. The only people I need to please or should worry about pleasing is only my family and even then there are times when I'm allowed to say no. That's me. In fact I was thinking the other day that I'm just a barker. I like to talk a big talk but when it really comes down to it, I can't even ask a waiter for a new plate of food if something is terribly wrong with what I ordered. I eat it because I don't want people to be mad at me. I don't say no even if I don't want to do something, I just do it. I really do have issues with that. And it comes from when I was younger like Amity told me. When you think of drama, you can picture my family. They are famous for going on binges. No-speaking binges. Where when two family members get into it, they quit talking for a few years and then the whole family sides on one side or another as well and you end up not speaking to or hearing from one side of your family for a few years. And then everyone gets together for some occasion and things are all fine and dandy. Until the next fight. I hated that. I thought that if I could just keep everyone happy, things will always be fine. When my mom put me in counseling I was told that I made myself to be the scapegoat for our family and that wasn't right. No matter what, I've just accepted it and gone on with life. But Amity could read me like a book and she knew and said that I was working on it and that I had doubt but to let go of the doubt and know that I was almost done and was becoming the person I needed to be. I've always felt like a kid. Even now, I'm going to be 25 in two more months and I worry about when am I going to become an adult? I'm finally starting to find myself and I'm so very happy that I'm doing a fine job and that this leg of my journey is almost over.

At this point in the reading I was shocked to tears. I couldn't speak and I was just ... speechless. I have a built up barrier. There are parts of me that even my husband doesn't have a clue about and within 10 minutes, Amity had busted my walls down and exposed me and uncomfortable and new it was, it was actually kind of nice. I felt naked and that my scars were showing through and yet I was being shown that it didn't change anything between Amity and me. She didn't run away and say oh my gosh I hate you never talk to me again. I don't know if she knows it or not but she's cleared away so much and now I'm truly healing and letting down my walls for the first time ever. So I have to stop and say thank you again Amity. My first 10 minutes of this and you've done more than any of my 5 therapists and the 6 years on medications. LoL.

You'll have to excuse my emotional outbursts and my being so girly right now. I'm telling you what, this experience really did wonders on me you have no idea...

So my next part of the reading was about my present. That right now she could see that I was trying to strengthen my walk with God, that I am full of prayers, praying constantly for everyone and myself. And that I was finally becoming my own person. What I mean by that and the same thing she told me, I've never been known just as Beckie. I've been known as Monty's daughter, the kid of the lesbians, so-and-so's girlfriend and now Abel's wife. That's the famous one. Never just Beckie and now I'm starting to walk away from being associated with everyone and becoming my own person which is so nice. Now when people meet me and introduce me to others, this is Beckie is the first words out of their mouths. Not "This is Beckie, Abel's wife." This is where it all pretty much hit my emotional ceiling for me though. She was getting something about an older woman who wanted me to know that she was in Heaven and that things were absolutely fine and that I needed to let go of my worries of her. That may not sound like anything to anyone else but it was the best news I've ever heard. I never met my father's side of the family. My half sister a few times until 4th grade when she basically fell off the planet and never talked to me or my father again. Met an aunt once. That's it. My grandparents died before I was born and lately, over the past few months I've been trying to learn as much as possible about my grandma. I hurt because I never got a chance to meet her and learn from her and have a relationship from a normal family member you know? And not only that but within my walk with God I am sad because no one in my family is a Christian so I worry that when it comes time for me to be in Heaven, I will have no family there you know? I know, you are probably thinking I worry over the silliest things but it's a validated worry. Don't you want what's best for your family and worry when they are making choices that aren't so good for them? Me too. So when Amity told me that an older woman was in Heaven and wanted me to know things were okay I started crying because I knew who that was. There's only one older woman who isn't here you know. And everything she said was an exact worry or constant thought in my mind. It felt so good right then. To have a big weight off of my chest and to know things are well. Do you ever wonder if, when or if we get to Heaven if we are allowed to "check-up" on our family members or friends? In a matter of speaking that is. Like we can tear open a hole in the floor of Heaven and peek down at them? It was like being told that Hey, I'm watching you, don't worry. And now when I go about business I wonder if she is watching and proud and I actually can't wait to get up there and finally meet her.

I can't quit crying, LoL. It's really emotional and please understand that by sharing this with you, I have vulnerably opened myself up to you all. I've never done this before...

My last part was about my future. Amity doesn't tell you your future and she'll tell you that right out. It isn't for us to know. But she can see our goals for the future or our hopes if you will. Forgive me if I explain this wrong, I don't know exactly how to say it. Like I said, you need to read Amity's blog and talk to her about it. Obviously she can explain it...But about my future. She told me that my goal of wanting to be a strong Christian woman and being known for that, would be reached. That I will be the woman I strive to be, I just have to have patience and have faith. That is another constant worry on my mind. Am I truly a decent mother? When will I get better? Am I the woman I should be? Am I going to ever be a good Christian woman? Those sort of thoughts. I just need to have faith that yes, I will be who I need and want to be.

And then she asked if I had any questions or am seeking any answers to anything and I told her about my present situation. In a past blog I had mentioned about Abel's ex friend and his text messaging drama. that's all that I've told anyone about the situation mind you. And all I told Amity is that my anxiety is starting to come back and I'm terrified at night, that every sound sends me to wake Abel and send him down the stairs. I don't sleep well anymore and I'm making myself sick and that I really had to know if we were going to be safe and protected like I want to trust we will be. She then told me that she was seeing a man who was a family member or even a brother to us, that his mind was clouded with drugs or alcohol, and that he has recently flipped his lid. When she asked if that was true I was like oh my word, exactly what I was thinking about. Let me tell you the back story so you can be wowed too...

This guy, Wes, was best friends with Abel. Brothers they called each other as they had been through so much together and been together for so many years. He is a drug user (abuser) and deals them as well. And he did go nuts. He had sent about 30 text messages to Abel's cell phone telling him to eff off, called him, his mother, his dead grandfather and myself a bunch of dirty, awful names, and then when Abel told him he was done with Wes and would no longer have him as a part of his life. Wes got very angry began sending messages that Abel refused to respond to, which a few were about my children who were "abominations" as he called them. The next day he attempted to get into Abel's voicemail which after 3 times of failed attempts, Verizon locks you out and you can't get back in without calling them and accessing your account. They they give you the number of who was trying to access your account or voicemail and that's how we found out it was Wes. So that's when Abel changed his phone number for safety and peace sake. A few days later, Wes begins sending me e-mails which were harassing and threatening. Like how I should be glad and lucky Abel changed his number because Wes would have come up to take care of business had Abel not changed it. That is what I have been terrified of. He was crazy before hand, but now for some reason, it's like something in his head snapped and he's lost it totally. We've both blocked him from e-mailing us and now he can't get a hold of us in any way. Unless he gets a new e-mail address or whatever. That's about it.

So then Amity tells me that I have a reason to be scared, to know that I'm not being over dramatic basically. Which I always have a side worry about. And then she asked if he was a hunter and I said yes, because he attempts to hunt every year but is so bad at it he never gets anything. She had seen him with guns and was wondering. Then she tells me that he moved, which yes he moved the same week this was all going on, but that we didn't know where to. She told me that his vehicle broke down and they have no money so there is no way for him to even get near us. But that she saw no harm to us by him and that he won't be trying to come up to us. Which was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for. I want safety, not just for me but for my kids. My biggest fear is something happening to them.

Last night was the first time I have slept all night with no worries. Even my dream, I remembered it and it was goofy and fun, not scary and frightening. Ignacio also had a great night, he woke up only once, ate, I changed his butt and we both fell asleep immediately after. I can't tell you how wonderful I feel today. I feel so amazing and light. I feel like so much has been opened for me and I feel like I'm not only healing inside but that so many things that I had worries or anxiety over can truly be let go with no doubt. I wanted to blog about this because I think everyone should have a reading done, it benefits you like you wouldn't believe. But I also wanted to open myself up for once. You all can be my first victims muahahaha. I wanted to be real with you as this is day one as the real me. Look mom, I'm growing up finally! :D