Monday, December 8, 2008


I have to blog it out. I just have to. I am so happy for all the prego mommies out there. My two best friends are pregnant and a few of my blog friends are pregnant out there in blog-land as well.
I've never really had an issue with becoming pregnant. Nor am I known to be fertile myrtle though either. But I have been pregnant 4 times and out of those 4 pregnancies, I have been blessed with Hannah my two year old little girl. Being pregnant with her was awesome but yet so difficult and so emotional for me. I was told 3 different times that I was in the process of losing her. From week 8 or 9 I began to cramp and bleed with her and never stopped. I was placed on bed rest in the beginning of month 2 and never was allowed up. I ended up with a skin/hormone issue called PUPPS which is basically due to my sensitivity to hormones (which is why I can't take birth control, it makes me super sick). It's where I had a head to toe rash that itched every day and night. Nothing could be prescribed. Nothing stopped the itching. I washed my bedding every day. My clothes got changed three or more times a day. It was awful. Oh and although most people would complain, I developed gestational diabetes. I don't complain because I only gained 25 pounds during my pregnancy and I credit it to the wonderful diabetes diet. At the end of the pregnancy, Hannah ran out of amniotic fluid and they had to induce me which was awesome. Because I was in labor for a total of 2 hours and 15 minutes and pushed twice and Hannah was out. I chose not to do pain meds but then again wasn't in labor long enough to really decide if I needed them.
It really was awesome and a blessing to be pregnant with her. Even more so, to have a healthy baby girl with us. My other 3 pregnancies, I hurt to say, didn't turn out to successful. I have lost every baby at week 11. And I have yet to get any answers. I have done the tests and done the research and nothing. Even my doctor's are stumped.
Why am I telling total strangers my story? Because I have found out that I again am pregnant. As joyous as it should be and as excited as I should be, I'm not. I'm terrified and worried that this will only end in another miscarriage. I'm not even telling my friends. Because I don't want to deal with telling them I miscarried again. I hate the tears and the sympathy and the worries that go on forever. I'm a silent griever. I don't stop smiling and I don't cry in front of people. I cry at home under my blankets. That and I've come to trust some of you out there and know that if the worst of the worst happens, you'd say a prayer and be sad but you'd also give me the space. It is after all, the internet, and space is imminent haha.
With that all being said, I get to tell my hubby tonight when he gets home from work. I've notified the doctor who is possibly going to transfer me to a high risk OB in Kalispell. And I will now resort to praying every 5 minutes.
I hope everyone else's day is going great and exciting. I think the toilet is calling me now and I shall talk to everyone later!! Have a great day!



portraitofduration said...

Hey Beckie,
I'll be praying for you tons :)
And I won't tell anyone if you don't want people to know.
Love ya!

Justine said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{Beckie}}}}}}}} I will so be praying for you. I know how scared you probably are, but try to keep positive, and just don't over-exert yourself at all. Everything else is up to God. And hey, if you had diabetes the first time, you'll have it this time too, so cut out the sugar now if you can. Please keep us updated, k?

Justine :o )

Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

Well my prayers are also with you but I have a good feeling about this one and I am A "feeler" so take care of yourself, and the worst thing you could do is worry! Focus on a healty pregnancy full of a big belly, big boobs and all of the other big things see yourself feeling well and being well and it will happen I just know it! Stay away from other who bring up the past flood yourself with kindness,...blessings to you and a son?

Jill said...

Hi Beckie
My prayers are with you! Try and think positive! Everything that happens, happens for a reason! It's in God's hands. :)

Stephanie said...

I know exactly what you're going through. I've had several miscarriages, and they make a new pregnancy more scary than anything. When I found out about this pregnancy, I think I never went three minutes without saying (both aloud and in my head) "Father, please keep my baby safe." "Please, let this baby be OK". I am right there with you, sister! Now I'll be breathing these prayers for your little one.

Make sure to keep us updated! And I'll be waiting and praying for the day you write to tell us you've made it past eleven weeks and things look good! Then, when you find out the sex at twenty weeks, I'll be putting together a fabulous Gucci Mama care package for you.

I'm confident that the celebrations will begin soon!