Saturday, February 13, 2010

It's Valentine's Day ... Almost

Valentine's Day.
When it comes to this day. I am bitter. Seriously. And I can't give you just one reason. It would take too long. It isn't due to any heartbreaks or anything either. Well, maybe twice but not the point...It just seems like such an un-fair "holiday" to me. It's men's excuse for not showing any signs of romance all year long. They get off the hook because on this one day of the year, they buy a few flowers, grab a box of chocolates that I guarantee they don't know who made it or what's inside, and they buy dinner. Don't even bring me to the whole fact that on their mind this whole day is how teh act of "getting some" is in the bag.

I forgot that this day was created thanks to St. Valentine . I dig that this day was created in his honor. I even dig that he was the "cupid" of his time. But seriously, when did the day of honoring him get us to such a commercialized day with so much pressure upon both sexes?

Oh yes ladies, we have pressure on us just as much as the men, if not more. Do we remind our men that this day is coming up? Do we just stay silent and try to act surprised IF he remembers? Do we drop hints to where we want to go for dinner or risk him taking us to some tacky diner where you might get a clean spoon if you are lucky? Do we tear out pages of a magazine with pictures of rings on them so that he possibly will get a clue as to what we REALLY want? Do we dare get our hopes up of him getting off that couch, putting on something nice and actually doing something on this day? God forbid we run into our girl-friends the next day who are running exaggerated stories of their night like diarrhea of the mouth, and when it comes our turn to say what we did we blush as we might have nothing to tell? And to feel the shame as they walk away shaking their heads and writing us off from then on. Oh Lord, what then!?!? What will we ever do if we can't brag about what a man our man is. How he took us here and we did this and he got us this and he said that. Oh never mind the fact that his lazy ass is parked in front of the Playstation as soon as he gets home from work (If you even can call it work!) and that one special night of the week lasts about 20 minutes if we're lucky and then he acts as if he's a God or something. Never mind that we fight every other day and his mother has had him on her couch more times then he's actually slept in our bed. Oh no. This day is sacred to us as well. With enough pressure to erupt Old Faithful. So behind every brag story, every woman who is gushing to release her wonderful night's activities, you must know there is a secret. A secret no one will tell...Most dates were planned by the woman. That's my theory. Why is it that a man who couldn't name a single love song title, can all of a sudden, one day out of the year, plan enough romance to make a Harlequin romance novel burst into flames? DOUBT IT! From January 30th, I know what we are all doing. Secretly beginning the train of though to what are we doing this year for V-Day...

Typical to-do list as follows...

#1. Call restaurant and make reservation for two in case he doesn't. Consider this to be back up plan.
#2. Leave ads for said restaurant pretty much everywhere. Mirror in bathroom. Fridge door. Toliet paper roll. Coat pocket. Anywhere.
#3. Pick up gifts and card and set them in his car after he goes to sleep at night. He will wake up groggily get ready for work and when on his way to work, after he spills coffee everywhere, will he then discover bag of goodies. Not remembering last night's activities thanks to bad poker night with the guys, he'll be patting himself on the back for thinking ahead. Now he can't possibly get into trouble with you for not remembering this dreaded day.
#4. You sit back after he leaves for work patting yourself on the back for making sure everything is ready. Now is the perfect time to go dress shopping for that special night.
#5. Two weeks fly by and man didn't remember to set reservation. Massive fight #1 begins and lasts for 20 minutes about what a moron he is and it ends with you telling him you can pull some strings and get you two in at special restaurant (Pull out Backup Plan reservation here)
#6. As dinner progresses, man pulls out bag. You get excited at the thought of that gorgeous new tennis bracelet and perfume that you picked out, sitting ten inches away from you. He starts going on and on and on about how he loves you and how you mean so much to him even in the bad times...Yet you are thinking, if he doesn't hand over that damn bag soon, he won't even know what bad times are until now!
#7. DON'T PANIC!!! When you pull out a coffee mug with your name on it, don't freak out! It must be a joke...that's right, even with the colorful and tacky socks coming out after it, you realize, it just has to be a joke. Where's the hidden camera at??
#8. When you find out that he returned everything because he didn't feel how it had been a sort of gift you would have wanted and how these great socks and mug just screamed you, you can see red and feel the tears begin to fall but you start breathing lamaze style.
#9. After coming to, after massive fight #2 begins, you ask man what on Earth made him think you had wanted these gifts and not what was in the bag first. He starts explaining how you are always complaing of losing your socks and how he realized that he was wearing them all the time because all the socks in the house are white, so when he saw these he thought that they felt soft which would feel good on your feet and how you wouldn't ever lose these to anyone thinking they were theirs. And when he broke your favorite coffee cup this morning (by the way he says, I broke your coffee cup and I'm sorry) so he ran out to find one and saw this one was insulated so you would never burn yoru hands holding it nor would it ever get cold on you while you are cleaning or doing laundry. During all this, you start realizing that while you will still kill man for not giving you what you had picked out in the first place, You have to give him credit for finding some pretty decent gifts.
#10. When you arrive home, even with that black eye, man is still charming and adorable so you go to the restroom to spritz on some more perfume and put on that new lacy teddy that you got a week ago. When you come out and start talking seductively about wanting to lay down or something, you notice man is paying zero attention to you as his face is glued to that damn TV screen and the Playstation. After shoe hits TV square in the center and massive fight #3 begins, you start noticing how late it is and how you really need to get some sleep soon, you have a deadline to meet in two days and sadly, you haven't even begun...
#11. Two hours later you both have your silent treatments on and are laying there stewing when finally man takes off boxers and asks if he can at least have an ending to the night of hell.
#12. Ten minutes later he falls asleep peacefully and snoring louder than a chainsaw while you pull out Old faithful and treat yourself to a real helping of self gratification.

Ta-Da! A night we all know is un-avoidable. More or less, haha. To add more romance to the night, did you know about the Saint Valentine's Day massacre? Gotta love Al Capone ;)

Ahh cynical sarcasm in it's finest. What will my husband and I seriously be doing this year? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. We actually don't celebrate it. We celebrate it every other day of the year and don't think there is a need to rush out and grab chocolates and a card just because every other couple in the world is doing that today. Besides, you think we could even get a seat at a restaurant on this day?? HA!So to those of you who do celebrate it, I hope (and pray!) that your day does not go or end like my "theory". And that you have a lovely time and hopefully a little uniqueness about it as well. And may you all truly remember why you are in love with who you are in love with. And if you are not in love on this day...Enjoy the extra cash!! Until another day!