Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Wish.

*I wish I had a better camera. I get tired of buying the cheapest one I can afford, use it for a few months even though the picture quality kinda sucks and then find it breaking on me, despise how great I treat it. I've been burning for a nice Canon or Nikon one. You know those ones that are in the, oh I don't know, $500 range? Yeah...My $50 one is dying on me and I could cry. I find the photos that are worth taking are always happening when I don't have a camera on me. Go figure.

*I wish that I wasn't having a guilty issue over wanting a really great camera. When asked what I want for my birthday or Christmas, first answer is always money. So I can shop for my kids. And I do. Well until Abel quit giving me money. Apparently I'm not supposed to spend money on others when it's given to me. Oops.

*I wish I didn't do such stupid things. Yet I do them constantly. I've been slipping up on my swearing lately. I haven't cussed since high school and I have found myself slipping some out lately. I could blame it on the people we hang out with but it's my fault. Temptation of any kind is not a friend of mine at all. I lose. Always. And I hate it too. I also messed up in a big way a few days ago too. I'm ashamed of myself because it was stupid. Really stupid. I was in a lazy yet rushed sort of moment and performed a ridiculous mistake. Everything was resolved which was kind of the person but still. I have a lot of guilt. I hold on to thing. Especially when I mess up. I can forgive everyone out there no matter what happens (trust me on that!) and yet when I myself screw up? I don't forgive myself at all...

*I wish I didn't have baby fever already. Not so much baby FEVER as it is sadness that I can't have anymore babies of my own. No doubt about, we will adopt from here on out but I just feel so robbed right now. Selfish sort of mood I'm in, can you tell?? Ignacio is getting so big, clapping his hands, walking along the couch, crawling, saying da-da, feeding himself. All these milestones hit and I am so excited and am ever the proud mam but with every one that comes, it makes me sad. No more baby. I'll get over it.

*I wish companies, designers, stores and people in general understood the fact that a 2 year old child should NOT be allowed to wear such revealing clothing. We put such hatred towards child molesters (with all reason!) but yet dress our children in the clothing that draws a man's eyes to their little innocent bodies. I saw an episode of The Duggars (Yes I LOVE them!) where their girls wore what looked like jumpsuit bathing suits. I wish I had one honestly. Hannah's butt cheeks hang out of her bathing suit. Her suit makes it look as if she has cleavage. She's 3!! And that is okay by society's standards?? It makes me sick.

*I wish people didn't dog the Duggar family so much. They do a much better job raising their children (all 19 of them mind you!) than I do with my 2. Seriously. Have you ever seen any of them raise their voices at their children in anger?? I do. All the time. I see myself feeling guilty when I watch their show because I wish I was better. Person, friend, mother, you name it.

*I wish I had more interesting things to write about some days...Maybe a good hot topic could rile everyone up would be really interesting, LoL.


Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

give ur self some credit hun, being a sahm isn't for the weak hearted <3

Gucci Mama said...

I'm with Sassy - give yourself some credit! You do an incredible job!

And I love the Duggars too. They are such a sweet family.

Michelle said...

Hey Beckie. Hang in there! I can relate with this post. I too condemn myself a lot and feel bad and can't seem to overlook my own mistakes. We certainly have that in common. I carry around a ton of guilt about things that God has forgiven me for. God shows us though that we are forgiven. In 1 John 3, I think, it says that "if anyone does sin, we have Jesus Christ the righteous one" and it goes on to talk about how He is our advocate and forgives us of our sins and proves us to be not guilty. I have to keep remembering that because I feel alot like you do most days. Also, I know what you mean about kids growing up! My youngest is 3 almost 4 and I hate it. he's getting too big. I also feel though that God is showing me to treasure the times I have with my kids. I yell too. UGH. I hate it. And well if a camera was in my face, I'd probably never yell either :). thanks for visiting my blog. I left you a comment earlier over there.